Month: December 2004

OK, so I guess that Ashlee Simpson was going to do some sort of lesbian scene in this movie Wannabe, but her pappy caught wind and decided to 86 the homosexuality. Now, I can understand that the former Baptist minister father doesn’t want his little girl to go around lockin’ lips with other women. But there’s far more to his idiocy than his appetite for depriving us of wanking material. Dig:

The singer-turned-actress was due to star as a gay character in the romantic comedy Wannabe but her unimpressed manager-father Joe Simpson ordered a change in the scripts.

“I changed it. It doesn’t work for her to be gay the first thing out,” Joe told the New York Post. “She said, ‘But it’s cool, it’s edgy, it’s different,’ and of course the filmmakers were like, ‘It’s cool for a woman to be a lesbian.'”

Now comes the hilarity. Are you ready for it?

He added: “She’s going to be a huge movie star. She’s like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth. When we’re done, she’ll play it all.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Oh lord, that man should do fucking stand-up. That kind of delusion would make an amazing stage act. Bolt had this to say about daddy Simpson’s comments:

“saying she has more depth that meg ryan or cameron diaz is like saying my tub has more depth than the toilet.”

Seriously. The fact that you can compare her range to a couple of Hollywood’s worst actresses and still come out wrong is hilarious. Why even argue that your shit sandwich is more delicious than my shit sandwich? We’re both eating shit!

[ Reality Show “Who’s Your Daddy” Draws Controversy ]

Oh sweet Jesus.

Fox TV’s latest foray into reality TV with ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’ has come under fire from adoption groups that have branded the show, which sees an adopted woman try to guess who her biological father is for a $100,000 cash prize, ‘perverse’ and ‘repulsive’.

Kevin Healey, one of the executive producers on the show, added: “The dads want to find their daughter and the daughters want to find their dad. All of them were pitched the concept well in advance of coming on the show.”

Why they don’t just come out with a show that’s called “make stupid motherfuckers cry” I’ll never know. That’s probably their last ditch-effort for ratings, coming out and stating the obvious.

I came up with a new show the other night whilst drunk and… yeah, drunk. So nothing’s changed. Anyway, the idea was to invite a bunch of Japanese baseball players to come over and join the MLB. You know, get them all excited to become the next Ichiro. Then when they get here and the little bastards are all set for batting practice, they are let in on a little secret:

MLB is an acronym for Midget League Baseball.

Imagine the players staring open-mouthed at a bunch of dwarves sliding for home plate. Midget-sized baseball fields, that allow pretty much any competent 8th-grade American to score a home-run. This show idea revolves around anything that will get a reaction out of those little scaly sons of bitches.

Upstage our technology sector, will you? *shakes fist*

I received a request from Joseph for a Christine Taylor slice, so I guess I’ve gotta deliver the goods. That, or not deliver the goods, but since she was in Dodgeball and on that show “Hey Dude”, I will oblige.

So alright, am I the only son of a bitch on the block that can not only remember the fucking “Hey Dude” lyrics, but is haunted by them? I literally wake in a cold sweat some nights, soaked to the bone and repeating in my head:

“It’s a little wild, and a little straaaaaaange,
When you make y’home out on the raaaaaaaaaange!”

Yippee tay yow what?

Someone please figure out a way to make my brain forget these stupid-ass things. Booze just ain’t cuttin’ it.

Yeah, so its been a busy day, filled with server downtime and database mishaps. Hooray. In the meantime, the company I consult for is having their holiday shindig in about an hour. We’re bowling, which should be interesting. Interesting because I’m captain of one of the three teams. The winning team.

Yeah. T-shirts and everything. Taste it.

Now, I’m not one for bullshit, but I’ve heard that there is actually a redeeming quality for the flick Alexander. Someone told me that the always-delicious Rosario Dawson is naked in it, which means that it is worth seeing. And by worth seeing of course, I mean that it is worth stealing screen caps from and pretending that I saw it. So you get me the pics, and I’ll do the lying. Deal?

So speaking of shitty films, Matrix Revolutions is on Cinemax right now. I love my TV, but I want to put it out of its misery. Why must I force it to endure such crap? Probably because I’m filled with spite. And cheese!

…yeah. And booze. Shut up, I have a problem. An awesome problem.

Goddammit.

An 81-year-old German dropped his trousers and lost his wallet when two young women asked him to join them in a nude photo shoot but they fled with his belongings as he stripped, police said Monday.

“After the pensioner had removed his trousers in eager anticipation, the women left in a hurry,” taking the man’s wallet with about 250 euros in cash, police in the western city of Wiesbaden said in a statement.

Yeah, it’s a funny story, and the poor bastard was stupid to trust the devil. My problem with this story is that the women were a little too crafty. True, there are a lot of gold digging bitches out there. True, there are a lot of women who know that the fastest way to a man’s wallet is through his wang. The problem is that if women ever figured out that they might be able to get that money without screwing us (wives) or getting naked (strippers), life would become quite difficult for a lot of men. I’m not saying that all women would cause a problem, but the ones that did would need to be eliminated, lest they infect the minds of the others. The idea really sucks, because usually the gold digging bitches are the hottest.

I’ll probably have to get gay guys to do the executions, now that I think about it. If they can talk dudes out of their money for the slightest hint of sexual activity, I can’t imagine what they’d do to stay out of an oven.

Holy crap, why didn’t someone clue me in to the incredibly gorgeous Emmy Rossum? She’s been in a small handful of flicks (like Mystic River and Day After Tomorrow) that I’ve never seen, and she’s going to be in the new film adaptation of Phantom of the Opera. Here’s hoping she gets popular and decides to return to her “artistic” roots by getting naked in some cheesy arthouse flick.

I guess she played Audrey Hepburn in a movie about the most delicious slice to ever grace the screen. Emmy really does look the part too, she’s got that classic kind of beauty which we associate with Hepburn. The kind of innocent, girl next door look that makes you feel like taking her home to momma. Definitely not just-starred-in-a-porno kind of beauty, but at least that’s an option for her to fall back on.

Alright, alright, gather around. We’ve got some trailers and some news to get through, and I know you’re all ready to start slacking off on the job.

• [ New Batman Begins Trailer ] – Well, there’s supposed to be one there. At least, there should be by the time I wake up in the morning, which is probably when you’ll be reading this anyway.
• [ Be Cool Trailer ] – I really hope this doesn’t suck. Get Shorty was a great flick, I’d rather not have the Hollywood bigwigs pissing on it just to turn a quick buck.
• [ War of the Worlds Trailer ] – Pretty nifty.
• I have to thank Billy Ray for pointing out this tidbit. Seems that the rumor mill is getting pretty thick with confirmations of Kevin Smith (and Mark Hammill) being attached to a pilot for a weekly Star Wars TV show. If the news is true, I’m already feeling good about it. Why? Well, we’ve basically got two possible scenarios here. One, Kevin Smith turns this into something awesome, in which case, I will be happy. Two, the mixture of Kevin Smith and George Lucas becomes so ridiculous (highly possible) that the show becomes a festering pile of shit. I mean like the “Star Wars Christmas Special” kind of festering. In that case, we’ll have diehard Star Wars fans crying their little eyes out at what the two fat bearded guys did to their beloved franchise. Again, I will be happy. It will quench my thirst for nerd tears for weeks.

Yeah, I think that’s about it for now. If you’re looking for something fun to do at work, try finding me some hi-res pics (or video) of the Natalie Portman nakedness that got cut from Closer. That’s my one Christmas wish kiddies, let’s see some miracles.