Month: July 2004

[ They Might Be Giants + Homestarrunner = Goodness ]

The band hasn’t updated their website in awhile, which is sad since I’d love to see what they do with the next version.

Remember Britney’s little adventure in marriage earlier this year? Of course you do. Well, even if the details of this article are untrue, its still a really fucking fun read.

“We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.

“The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together.”

She’s a beast, I knew it! You’re the man now, dog. At least, a stupid man.

“Her brother rang and I spoke to him. He talked about annulment. I didn’t know what the word meant so I didn’t say anything.

“It was unreal, I wanted the best for her, I wanted to be married to her, but it was as though they were just taking everything over. I was on my own. Britney didn’t say anything.

This guy is an idiot, for numerous reasons. First of all, he got to bang the living crap out of Britney Spears for days. He is one of a handful of fellas who’s seen her mouthify his wang. And now he’s bitching about how he didn’t get more out of the deal. That’s ridiculous. You were in Vegas, numbnuts! You hit a fucking jackpot and you complain that you weren’t allowed to let it ride? Yes, I agree, the compulsion to get more out of the situation is tempting, to say the least. But look at it this way: you got to do what every fanboy on the planet wants to do, and then some. You got to stay in Vegas on Britney’s nickel, whilst she was keeping your junk warm. And finally, you get to do all of this, media hooplah and all, and you don’t have to stay married to her. Yes, I realize you could have been banging her for the rest of your life, and you loved her and bla bla bla bla bla. Shut the fuck up.

You know why he’s golden here? He gets spillover bitches. Girls who recognize him as Britney’s ex-husband, and give it up to him just to get that much closer to the whole glitz and glamour lifestyle. He could have milked that for years, but instead he decides to go and get married again. Stupid bastard and his southern family values (which don’t stop him from discussing her sexual glory, even out of respect for his new fiancee, who must be thrilled). I wonder if Christina’s fellas are this fucking stupid?

Gnome Darts just wasted a good half hour of my life.

I’ve kept the sound down the whole time. I like to envision Tom Bosley’s voice as I hurtle these little pointy-hatted fuckers at the wall.

[ Images From An Old 70’s Scientology Handbook ] – Oh man, some of these are gold, even without their obvious photoshopness-appeal.

Ashlee Simpson makes me want to vomit my brains out into a running blender, conveniently set to “frappe.”

This is what happens when you fall asleep with the TV on. God, or the electric company, is punishing me for wasting precious resources.

So I went to see Spider Man 2 again. Sober this time, because I wanted to make sure that my original assessment of the film was pure and untainted. I have to say that upon watching it a second time, I did like it a bit more. A lot of the dialogue that previously made me want to vomit now merely gave me gas. Much to the dismay of my seatmates, I might add.

There are still a couple of spoiler-free problems that I have with the flick, which I’m afraid I will have to discuss with you now. So sit down, maybe grab a cheese sandwich or something.

• Problem the first: Doctor Octopus is a normal dude with big mechanical arms. Spider-Man is a biologically enhanced man with enough strength to bench press a Buick. When Spider-Man punches regular people, he’s gotta take special care not to stuff his fist right into their grey matter. Trust me, it’s messy. Yet in this film, Spider-Man socks Doc Ock about 80 times, really really hard. Enough so that you can see him crush pieces of building when he misses. Had he been hitting Otto with even half that kind of power, 80 smacks to his merely human mug would have him looking slightly worse than the artists rendition to the right.

  I’ve heard a lot of folks stating that perhaps his little inhibitor chip kept him from feeling pain. Even if this were true, he wouldn’t be able to spew that witty banter if his jaw were hanging down to his sternum. If they’d made the Doc super strong or something, I would have overlooked it. If he’d only been hit once or twice, again, I can suspend disbelief. But Spider-Man used to end his fights with Ock with a single punch, and I beleive on one occasion a flick of his finger. You can’t have the strongest guy in town socking Joe Schmo without spilling a few pints of blood.



• Problemo Numero Dos: The web to nowhere. At the end of the movie, Spidey swings away on what seems to be nothing whatsoever. Now, I would imagine from a later shot that he swings to this crane thats nearby, but there is no establishing shot to make you think that there’s anything but fucking river around them. Not to mention that he seems to be ascending as if carried by some sort of web-chopper. This is just bad directing, and I expect far better out of Sam Raimi.

  I shouldn’t have to laugh out loud because a pivotal moment looks fucking ridiculous.

• Problemo the last, for now: The script. Who fucking wrote this drivel?
  

  “I’m telling you, T.S. Eliot is more complicated than advanced science!!”

  I fucking hate whoever did this. The man is attempting to sound like one of the smartest cookies on the planet for ten minutes, and you finalize his diatribe with something a three year old might say. I don’t know shit about poetry, but I certainly don’t tell anyone that it’s “more complicated than web… uh…. junk!” It just sounds stupid, especially coming from an advanced science… guy.

Well, like I said. I enjoyed it more the second time, but I’m still not feeling the Spidey fever that everyone else seems to be stricken with. And now I take my leave of you.

So I guess Nintendo is releasing the next wave of Famicom Mini games for the GBA. The lineup is pretty interesting, to say the least. Take a look:

• Famicom Mini Vol. 21 Super Mario Bros. 2
• Famicom Mini Vol. 22 Nazo no Murasame
• Famicom Mini Vol. 23 Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
• Famicom Mini Vol. 24 Metroid
• Famicom Mini Vol. 25 Palthena’s Mirror (Kid Icarus)
• Famicom Mini Vol. 26 Shin Onigashima
• Famicom Mini Vol. 27 Famicom Tantei Kurabu: Kieta Koukeisha
• Famicom Mini Vol. 28 Famicom Tantei Kurabu II: Ushiro ni Tatsu Shoujo
• Famicom Mini Vol. 29 Akumajou Dracula (Castlevania)
• Famicom Mini Vol. 30 SD Gundam World: Gachapon Senshi Scramble Wars

OK, now Super Mario Bros 2 is the real Super Mario Bros. 2, not the fake one we got here in the states. So I’ve got nothing against that. But Metroid? We just had fucking Metroid: Zero Mission released a few months ago. Unless I’m a complete purist, why would I pay 20 bucks for the priveledge of playing this game yet again? Some fucking balls on this company. Goddamn them for throwing in Zelda 2, Castlevania, and Kid Icarus into the mix, otherwise I could spit on their company and remain completely alone on my high holy throne. Instead, I must be careful not to lose $60 on shit that I have free on emulators anyway.

Thank God that over half of this wave of retro shit is Japanese crap that I was never exposed to as a kid, otherwise my pants would have exploded in a glorious orgasm of wonton game lust. For one, I’d be none the richer, and secondly, my pants would be a wretched mess.

You know, I never thought that Michelle Branch was that hot… until Maxim magazine did that spread of her a couple of months ago. Which, by the way, is in her gallery. Hot. And she’s banging like a 40-year-old. Stupid kids, I can’t wait to be 40 so I can bang idiotic 18-year-old chicks who think they’re so cool because I wangify their mouths. God bless future Viagra, which I would imagine will make my penis flavored, like grape jelly or something.

…What?

You know, Cameron Diaz would have been today’s slice, now that she’s an S&M Video star (which is currently circulating through the Pie Forum), but you’ll notice that her gallery is bare. That’s because Cammy’s lawyers decided to threaten the shit out of Solo and I last year. You had your chance, sweet cheeks, but this ship has sailed. Like a gleaming pie tin on the sea of smut, I shall disappear into the sunset.

[ Glenn Danzig Gets Dropped Like A Bad Habit ] – was going to post this hours ago, but Gunner beat me to it in the forums. Now I will steal his stolen quote text as well. What are you gonna do about it, huh?

Bad show with Danzig last night. I posted this on Blabbermouth.com before he tries to sue me for knocking him out. Read this and die with laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before crazy rumors begin to spread I would like to explain what happened:

North Side Kings were to play with Danzig last night in Tuba City, Arizona. To make a long story short the whole show was a disaster and a few bands got bumped off. Mr. Danzig (or his managment??) refused to push back the original scheduled time slot so North Side Kings and Rapid Fire would have to play “after” his set. Whatever- we agreeded to play later because we drove 6 hours and didn’t feel like going home without playing. Needless to say, as soon as Danzig was finished, the venue turned on the lights and Danzigs crew and the staging company began to take the stage apart almost instantly. I confronted Mr. Danzig backsatge while he was signing autographs and told him I thought he was an asshole because of his “rockstar” attitude and no consideration twords the FEW other bands that got bumped off tonight. In a fit of rage he turned around and slammed me into the wall yelling “fuck you motherfucker” trying to be a big toughguy in front of his fans. I -in self defence punched him in the face knocking him out as he was attacking me again. He went down, bleeding from his mouth, eyes rolled back, and in shock that he got knocked to the floor so quickly.

A friend happened to tape the entire incident and this is all documented. Many witnesses saw him attack me, and I did what any man would do. It was unfortunate that this went the way it did -and I hoped Glen Danzig learned a valuable lession tonight – Do not lay your hands on anyone unless you can handle what may happen. I aploigize for nothing, except for the poor little kids that had to witness this big asshole get his ass kicked in a matter of seconds…..

Danny M, North Side Kings

This video totally reminds me of that video where the kids are playing “Fight Club” and the one kids like “GO. GOOOOOOO!” and poof, his buddy knocks his lights out with one simple punch. Anybody want to submit me a link to that one, so I don’t seem like a stingy bitch with my video sharing?

I’ve had many requests for the annoying little sister of Jessica Simpson, so now you can all bask in her glory. Well, at least the spillover glory that she gets from riding the coattails of her big sister. Anyway, here’s Ashlee Simpson. Enjoy.

Ashlee, in case you didn’t know, is starring in a show even more annoying than Jessica, entitled The Ashlee Simpson Show. Clever, eh? Just like her, if the entire world was one giant opposite skit from “You Can’t Do That On Television.” I predict her show will last about as long as a J-Lo relationship.

By the way, if any of you have excellently revealing pictures of Ashlee here, please feel free to send them to me. I will sit and imagine her and her sister in comprimising positions, and then eventually I will post them.