Month: February 2003

I put up a gallery of Tatu for you all to enjoy, (thanks to everyone for suggesting places to look) along with singular galleries of Julia Volkova and her “special friend” Lena Katina, just in case their solo work demands that single shots be included. And by solo work, I mean solo naked work.

Speaking of skin, there’s a little bit of nudity in those galleries. Are those chicks old enough? They sure run around in wet t-shirts like they are.

Thanks for Bill Burns for tipping me off to the lesbian pop-music antics of the two lil’ hotties in TATU. I’m sure their music sucks ass, but making out in the video, ie: playing to my inner pervert, is exactly the way to get me to listen to your pointless ear-busting drivel. Worked for Britney, right? Besides, lesbians always make me think of a quote from Paul Riser (unfortunately) which boils down every man’s feelings on the situation: “I like lesbians because it’s naked, its fun, and I agree with both of them.”

By the way, I now need a gallery of TATU for SOTD, any of you up to the challenge?

Ho-leeeee shit. I don’t know if the story is bullshit or not, but if it isn’t, life is going to be grand. Like the piano, only instead of the ivory keys, you’ve got 14-fucking-minute orgasms.

The worst episode surrounding the drug, however, involved two traffic fatalities on a German autobahn last July when Retalanaline testers Dieter Krupshank and his girlfriend Molly Wentholtz died under mysterious circumstances. Police can only speculate on what happened, but they believe the couple were engaged in sexual activity and that Retalanaline played a part in the mishap. When the bodies were finally exhumed from the couple’s demolished Mercedes Benz, Dieter Krupshank’s pants were around his ankles and Molly’s face still lay in his lap, her mouth still agape on his sexual anatomy. “The drug must have kicked in while they were fooling around,” said Vanweilt. “It’s the only way we can explain Dieter crossing the median in broad daylight and driving the wrong way on a one-way autobahn for 13 minutes, finally colliding head-on with a semi-truck from Dresden. It’s really very tragic, because they almost made it, only one more minute to go and they would have been OK. At least we are left with the minor consolation that Dieter and Molly died a very, very happy young couple.”

Probably bullshit, but if it isn’t, I know what I want for Christmas. I don’t care if it grows hair on my ass and turns my pee into a toxic nerve gas, I’ll by a new extendable razor and a gas mask if it’ll make my “O face” a near-permanent fixture on my normally placid mug.

Does he do this shit to himself on purpose?

“If there were no children on this earth, if someone announced all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.”

— MICHAEL JACKSON, father of three, in an interview with a British documentary maker.

Wow. So many jokes are running through my brain that I just might overheat and set off the smoke detector. God bless you Michael, for doing my job for me.

January’s Results:

Life: 1
Jacko: 0

Procrastination really sucks. Well, that is until you are out of the mess that said procrastination comfortably generated for you, and think about all of the time you had to do whatever you wanted, then it doesn’t seem so bad. Except for the fact that I posted maybe twice in January. That part is pretty lame, just like me.

But, as much as I would like to leave this for another day, there is work to be done. See, with the recent shuttle disaster, many important things that would usually be on our minds and on the newsreel have been overlooked. Take Cecelia O’Hare, for instance. On the same day as the atmospheric catastrophe currently hogging the airways, this caring, gentle wife was innocently dining at a Panama City McDonalds when she “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” (quoted from her lawsuit). Husband hit by a bus? Ran away with a stripper?

Worse.

A couple is suing the franchisee of a McDonald’s restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared bagel damaged the husband’s teeth and their marriage.

They alleged the McDonald’s, owned by Johnstone Foods Inc., was negligent and violated an “implied warranty that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption.”

They contend in the suit that John O’Hare broke teeth and bridgework on Feb. 1, 2002 when he bit into the bagel. The suit did not say what exactly was wrong with the bagel.

The suit alleges the wife “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” The couple’s attorney, Tim Warner, did not return telephone messages left at his office.

You are probably thinking the same thing I am thinking: when did McDonalds start selling bagels? That and I hope that his wife is OK. Sometimes survival is worse than death, my friends.

According to my calculations (I made none), unless you dumped the bagel out of the bag and started eating the damn thing off the table with no hands, it would be pretty hard to not notice the destructive capabilities of a tooth-chippin’ bagel.

But, it is still pretty hard to blame the guy. After all, in his own lawsuit he states that he assumed McDonald’s food was “reasonably fit for human consumption.” When you start out that horribly wrong, it’s almost a guarantee that someone will lose a tooth.

Oh, according to Harlan Bakeries, the production line for the creation of mcDonalds bagels was added in 1999. Just thought you’d like to know for when you don’t eat there.

Looks like things are back to normal. I guess that means the redesign and such can go back to its normal schedule of me sitting on my ass planning to finish it, you rolling your eyes at the fact that it will take forever and a day, and me going to the kitchen for a coke and not coming back until the next day. Ad infinitum.

By the way, Boondock Saints is ridiculously grand. I hadn’t even seen it until around October, which I now see to be the heinous crime that it truly was.