Month: February 2003

So I took the girlfriend to Los Angeles over Valentines Day. Went to the Getty yesterday, mocked a bunch of protesters, drove back for dinner. It was actually this dinner theater thing for my mother’s birthday, where the servers are actually performers. I can say with all honesty that they were not necessarily blessed with an overabundance of talent in either field. I hold to this, even after attempting to get my parking validated after the show, and the entire cast improvising a parking validation song in my honor to the tune of “Lady Marmalade”. But really, it was hard to take them seriously in the first place, since I’d seen the entire male portion of the cast do an act with cowboy hats and skirts called “Ballerinas of the Prarie”. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds… well, that song was. After that and 8 hours of shuteye, I’ve pretty much been working all day.

All that was done while waiting for the fucking site to load. Now while I wait for the submit function to go through for this post, I’m going to order a pizza and write the great American novel.

This is the day you’ve all been waiting for. Some will be disappointed, some will be extatic. Others, will do things that the rest of us don’t need to know about. Here it is my friends, more pictures of the delectable Fernanda Martinelli. I know, you love me, and its not even Valentines Day yet. Oh, you were talking to Fernanda, I see, I get it…

A special thanks to the Pie Forum kids, who stand an ever vigilant watch over the Net, lest any unwatched porn slip through their fingers. Fernanda’s still jailbait I’m afraid, but does that even matter in Brazil? Not that I’d mind, personally my life probably isn’t even worth a night with her. Maybe like, twenty minutes and a Tootsie-Pop afterwords, but that’s about it. I’d probably be glad to trade, too.

If there’s one things BAMF is known for, it’s monkeys and French-bashing. Well, it’s time for all of that to change. …waitaminute, did I say change? I meant endure, like Rocky in a French boxing ring. Ha! Endurance is king!

Anyway, let’s move on to the monkeys first, as they bring us joy through the smiting of our enemies and the biting of the stupid. I received a link from NC, who posed the question “What did she do to cross you?” The answer is, nothing. As in, nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about… uh… dude.

A woman died after the motorcycle she was on hit a monkey, which dashed across the road, at the Km19 of Jalan Lipis-Lubuk Kulit, near Lipis, on Monday.

Nahina, who suffered severe head and shoulder injuries, was rushed to Lipis Hospital but she died at 7.05pm.

Supt Baharuddin said Tazul Aidi suffered only light injuries. However, the monkey died on the spot.

Fucking japanese intern monkeys, always with the kamikaze shit. Bite, scratch, and get the Hell out of there you little bastard, no need to play the hero when things go a little awry.

Secondly, the French are sick and tired (thanks Scott) of the numerous jokes and the general mockery that we Americans make of them, especially after their attempts to lead the anti-war resistance. The article is filled to the brim with examples of America’s “anti-frog” slander. Dig:

“I think it’s stupidity, all these words,” said Claude DeBardin, president of the French-American Friendship Foundation, echoing other French expatriates. “Of course it is inconvenient to hear these criticisms. I think, I hope, it will all soon go away.”

That’s unlikely, at least at the United Nations. France has a Security Council veto and claims some of the UN’s best-seasoned diplomats, but it takes a beating at the water coolers. “What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their arms up?” asked a United Nations guard, a New Yorker who lives in the Bronx. “The army.”

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell has dismissed a Franco-German proposal to bolster the UN weapons-inspection process as akin to having “Inspector Clouseaus running all over Iraq,” a reference to the bumbling detective in the Pink Panther movies.

You know, I’m afraid I have to agree with the Frenchies on this one. I’ve seen their beautiful country firsthand, and enjoyed their culture, which has given me insight into this situation. Perhaps we’ve been too hard on them. So I would like to share with you an actual conversation that transpired between myself, and a noble French gentleman during my stay there last summer:

Sharkey: “You know Francois, there is a lot of anti-French sentiment amongst my countrymen.
Francois: “Oui, zees ees unfortunately zee truth.”
Sharkey: “We have unfairly labeled you as cowards, snobs, and other terrible prejudices. And today, as an American, I must take a stand. The mockery must end here, mon frere. So to you and all of your wonderful people I must offer a fond “Ich entschuldige mich.”
Francois: “I appreciate your sentiment my American friend, but I am afraid zat I cannot understand you.”
Sharkey: “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s German for “I apologize.”
Francois: “But mon ami, I do not speak zee German.”
Sharkey: “Yeah, I know. We’re why. In fact, I’ve got my Grandfather’s phone number if you’d like to call him up and thank him… HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! Fucking rude bastards.”

And after I so graciously commented that Paris didn’t smell nearly as armpit-like as I would’ve expected. Still, he didn’t put up a fight or even raise his voice to object. No surprise there, eh?

Wow, four years since the actual first news post hit badassmofo.com. It was four years ago yesterday that I opened the site, but that doesnt actually count, seeing as how I only posted self-serving bullshit to an audience that included me, and uh… me again from a different browser, creating the illusion of that extra “hit”. How far have we progressed? Let’s have a look:

Teletubbies are for Homos — Sharkey
The Rev. Jerry Falwell is trying to out one of the “Teletubbies”. The February edition of Falwell’s National Liberty Journal warns parents that the purple, purse-carrying Tinky Winky may be a gay role model; to support its claim, the article notes that purple is the gay-pride color and that the character’s antenna is shaped like a triangle-a symbol of gay pride.

“The fact that he carries a magic bag doesnt make him gay,” Steve Rice [spokesman forthe show] said. “It’s a children’s show, folks. To think we would be putting sexualinnuendo in a children’s show is kind of outlandish.”

Tinky Winky was last heard to have said “All we were tryin’ to do was spread the damn love, man!”

Meanwhile, Falwell apparently isn’t alone in his conclusions: The gay magazine Out has previously alluded to Tinky Winky’s possible homosexuality. I’d file this one under, “Who gives a shit?”

Hmm… yes, I seem to remember being a bit of a pompous ass. But see, the difference now is that I’m a pompous ass with four years of Internet writing skills under my belt, beeyotch.

And yes, my previous comment that yesterday did not count as the official “birthday” was indeed bullshit, and just a cover up of the fact that I forgot to post something about it in the first place. Honestly is always the best policy. …Actually, if blowjobs are a policy, then honesty is second only to that. Wang mouthification trumps pretty much any hand in the deck, in my opinion.

[ Thailand Launches “Breast Boosting” Campaign ]

It’s a national campaign to increase breast sizes naturally, since the city has such an abundance of cheap, and sometimes dangerous plastic surgery. Bless their hearts, and the delicious fleshy areas that surround their hearts.

What the fuck?

…What the fuck?

No really, What the fuck?

I got a million wierd little links in my inbox yesterday, these are just some of the less “work safe” ones. Nice that I let you know that after you’ve clicked on them, right? And seriously, why is the author of that last set of links allowed to roam freely, let alone run what seems to be a vacation rental resort? That’s just asking for trouble on a Psycho / I Still Know What You Did Last Summer kind of level. Not only are chicks going to get slaughtered in the shower, but you’ll have Brandy roaming around showcasing her talents, or lack thereof. And if that isn’t enough to make you keep your dead mother’s body in a room and become a cross-dresser, I don’t know what is.

…Carry on.

I’ll bet you’re sitting at your desk right now, loathing the fact that you have to sit in a cubicle so close to that cockmaster who likes to come by every Monday and talk to you about his obviously falsified weekend of debauchery, when all you really want is to grab your fucking coffee, read a few websites, and stave off your urges to murder every fucking person within your field of vision. Well, psycho, I’ve got something that might cheer you up. “Steven The Dell Dude” is in jail. Yeah, it’s like porn on a Friday afternoon, isn’t it? Calm as an empty toilet.

Hey, dude, you’re getting a cell! Benjamin Curtis, the 22-year old actor who portrays “Steven,” the Dell Guy, in those bothersome computer commercials, was arrested late last night (2/9) on a marijuana possession charge, The Smoking Gun has learned. According to cops, Curtis was holding a “small bag of marijuana” when he was popped on Manhattan’s Lower East Side (at Ludlow and Rivington for you Gothamites). Curtis is currently being held in Central Booking and is scheduled to be arraigned later today in Manhattan Criminal Court. Curtis, who lives in lower Manhattan, was charged with criminal possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor. Bonnie Shumofsky, the actor’s agent, said she was unaware of her client’s bust when contacted this morning by TSG.

I know, it’s just a pot bust, which makes it funnier to pick on since we all probably figured that another web icon would be the first to go down on a drug charge. Oh well. The thing is, Steven hasn’t been in Dell’s latest round of ads, so it’s not like we needed this to get rid of him. This is kind of like kicking a guy when he’s down, really. It’d be downright mean to do a ‘Shop job at this point.

…so I’m mean. That’s an understatement, isn’t it? Normally I’m spitting fire and burning villages on Monday mornings. Maybe I need a cup of coffee.

Since I dedicated one of the longest posts in the history of this site to bashing the stupidity of some ignorant couch-potato leftists, enjoy a little article that points out some of the oversimplifications that us righties enjoy. The difference, of course, is that this article is hilarious in it’s oversimplifications, whereas the comments that I previously discussed are just random stupidity that more than likely results from years of inbreeding and a mouth that can’t stay shut. Sounds kind of like a Kennedy family reunion. Hooray for stereotypical oversimplification, a word which has unfortunately been used far too liberally in one short paragraph. G’night.

If he keeps doing this shit, I am going to have to change my name. https://news.ninemsn.com.au/Entertainment/story_28442.asp

The star told the documentary, entitled “Living With Michael Jackson”, that it was always the children’s choice to sleep in his bedroom and that he was happy to oblige.

“It’s not sexual. We’re going to sleep. I tuck them in and I put a little music on and when it’s story time I read a book.

“We go to sleep with the fire on and I give them hot milk and cookies. It’s very charming and very sweet. It’s what the whole world should do,” Jackson said.

“Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s very right, it’s very loving. Because what’s wrong with sharing a love?”

Too late.

When it comes to politics, damned near 100% of Americans (or perhaps all people in general) are complete fucking idiots. Oddly enough, nearly 100% of these complete fucking idiots, when asked, have a fairly strong idea of what we should do regarding the escalating situation in Iraq. Sure, on the news a lot of people are undecided. But if you could get a one-on-one with each of them and ask, you’d get a wide array of particularly egotistical answers such as “I’d just off that Saddaam and get it over with” or “Bush is a war monger, we should just keep our noses out of other people’s business”. Thankfully, these twits are no closer to controlling the fate of our nation than they are to proving that one of the eleven herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken is crack, thus keeping the black man perpetually “down”.

Now, I don’t want to go off on my personal politics regarding the situation, because quite frankly, I know that I’m not a political genius. I know that I am ill-informed, no matter how much CNN I force-feed myself. However, since I am more informed than most, I would like to take this opportunity to verbally cock-punch many of the retarded waste-of-carbon life forms that I have to interact with every day. Let me start with those of you who like to regurgitate whatever “hip” catch phrase that has entered your feeble little grey matter after catching a couple of minutes of Ted Koppel.

First off, I never want to hear the fucking phrase “If only Bush hadn’t stolen the election…” again. Because honestly, if the situation were reversed, the other half of America would be saying the same fucking thing about Gore. And instead of you making fun of Bushisms, we’d all be falling asleep during the State of the Union. Then a few hundred Saudi’s would get gassed, and we’d all wake up and wonder why someone had to harsh on our power nap. Another one that pisses me off is “Bush is only in this to get revenge for them tryin’ to shoot his daddy.” When God placed you on planet Earth, did he tell you that you’d have mental retardation or were you expected to figure it out on your own? Every fucking President has to expect that someone is going to take a potshot at him. Shit, if I were President I’d imagine a lot more people would want me dead. Would I take it personally? No. Would I expect my son to one day create the most expensive military endeavor to date, just to take a piece back for his old man? Something tells me I’d get him some fucking decaf first. To think that Goddamn Congress would go along with something like this out of revenge for a President who didn’t even get seriously injured is just pathetic. But you know what’s even more pathetic? Most of you probably graduated high school, what does that say for American education?

Another one I want to touch on is a quote I heard just yesterday after Colin Powell’s address: “If like, 75% of Americans think that we should stay out of it, don’t you think that we should do what the American people want?” …Please. If the American public’s combined political intelligence were measured as if it were a Hollywood heartthrob, it would fall somewhere between Clint Howard and the “Before” version of Jared, the Subway guy. The American public has a track record of completely cocking up political predictions. Want proof? Around 1940, while Jews were just starting to be introduced to showers that were used for a different kind of cleansing, nearly 90% of the American public thought that we should keep out of it. Nobody thought that Hitler was worth our time, because he was too small to accomplish the goals he had so clearly outlined in “Mein Kampf”. He was Time’s Man Of The Year for God’s sake. And it took sacrificing the lives of 2400 people at Pearl Harbor in December of 1941 before the public (not the government) decided that maybe this “Axis of Evil” was something that we should seriously look into. If Hitler were alive today, he’d be a recurring character by Chris Kattan on Saturday Night Live. Because we’ve seen Saddaam so much on television, we’ve almost endeared him as a sort of cartoonish villain. Sure he’s evil, sure he might use his unaccounted for FOUR TONS OF FUCKING NERVE GAS to slaughter some more innocents, but for cryin’ out loud, we don’t need to go to war over it. Just change the channel, I think Joe Millionaire is on.

I think I’ve rambled on for far too long. Just remember the next time you spout that idiotic “we’re only invading because of the oil!” rhetoric, consider this little tidbit. How would you like to be paying ten bucks a gallon the next time you go to fill up your Goddamn Excursion? Yeah, now invading a country filled with soldiers who wouldn’t think twice about slitting your throat and spitting on your grave doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, does it? Sure, it’s not our primary concern, and it seems a tad bit extreme, but that’s going to seriously cut into my Grande Latte’ budget!

I love this country, I really do. If only I could do something to get rid of my shitheaded neighbors, it’d be perfect.