Month: February 2003

I’ve been wondering what this God-awful stench was for the last week or so, then I took a look at the bottom of my shoes and realized that I had stepped in some Daredevil and had yet to wipe it off.

Well, as I was attempting to get some work done last night, my girlfriend tragically flipped on the 45th Annual Grammy Awards. I went on for twenty minutes, not knowing exactly why the sounds that I was hearing had simultaneously given me a taste of vomit in my mouth and a feeling of impending doom in my bowels. Could’ve been the undercooked chicken I had for dinner too, but I think Dustin Hoffman’s little speech had more to do with my body’s wish to expel fluids from any possible orifice than salmonella ever could.

First off, let’s start with Bruce Springsteen. When the Hell did The Boss start to The Suck? Everyone gave him a standing ovation for a performance that made me want to tear off my own ears and send them back to the factory for a good cleaning. His backup singers looked just as goofy as he did while singing, and sounded twice as bad. I would like to believe that the audience was clapping because the music had finally ended, and their ears could breathe a sigh of relief. But that can’t be the case, as these poor bastards were at the Grammy’s, the pain had just begun.

Next up we’ve got Erykah Badu, who would probably call me a racist cracker for even mocking her presentation. Well if being a racist cracker means mocking you for fucking up reading a teleprompter, then racist cracker suits me just fine, lil’ missy. “Wait for applause”, holy shit do we have trouble in our educational system.

Then you’ve got those Dixie Chicks playing their cover of Smashing Pumpkin’s cover of Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide. I gotta admit, those girls have got something. And what they have, is over-fucking-exposure. I don’t ever listen to country, unless tied down and forced. But I swear, I’ve heard that lackluster cover more times than I’ve heard Stairway and the Friends theme song combined.

Lastly, I’d like to sum up by saying that after watching a mere ten minutes, I’d had enough to write an entire few paragraphs of sheer hatred. Then I spent four minutes watching a post-show wrapup while waiting for the weather, and thanked God that I didn’t watch any more. Who the Hell are these people, and why haven’t I heard of them? The newscasters were bickering over who should have won awards, and the nominees were no more recognizable to me than victory would be to the French. Either I’ve lost track of what good music is, or music has become so shitty in general that there’s no point in even paying attention. They may as well have given a Grammy to Clint Howard, at least I like Clint Howard.

By the way, I do not know why everyone cares about this Norah Jones chick, and I certainly don’t give a shit who her father is, but I can tell you this: she’ll make a fine addition to Slice Of The Day. Send the boobies to me children, my eyes must be cleansed of their Grammy-riddled nightmares.

But not in the form you’re thinking… [ Kidshealth: I’m a Guy… So How Come I’m Developing Breasts? ]

They take a really roundabout route to avoid telling these kids to stop eating so many Goddamn Twinkies.

[ British Schoolkids to Be Asked to Consider Oral Sex ]

Just that title alone warrants a post, but the subject matter is even better. British administrators are attempting to incorporate oral sex into the “sex education” equation. This is supposed to help eliminate some teenage pregnancies, by encouraging Britain’s high school girls to take the shot in the mouth instead. Two questions immediately arise from my horribly perverted mind. One: in the immortal words of The Ladies’ Man “Have you considered da butt?” Two: does semen hold any kind of value as a teeth cleansing product, because if so, all the better.

Just remember lil’ British chicks, it can’t taste any worse than that crap you pass off as food.

I don’t want to detract from FaaQ’s grand post below, but I just love this picture.

If he’s just joking, I’d like to give him a firm handshake. If he’s serious, I’d like to give him a hug… with an iron maiden.

** Edit: Seems that it is indeed a joke. Here’s a couple of other signs that these guys used to mock protesters. Thanks to LJS for makin’ me look twice for the answers.

And there lies the truth of the matter. Martin Sheen and the rest of his intellectually vapid anti-war morons club (AKA Most of Hollywood) are once again on the wrong side of the issue. Whats more amazing then how factually incorrect and disjointed and ignorant their arguments are is just how utterly transparent their motive is. This isnt protesting about peace nor is it an opposition to war, its only an attack at the Bush administration.

Where were the cries of protest when we went into Bosnia, or Somalia, or Hati, or Yugoslavia? I didnt see them marching when we were lobbing bombs into aspirin factories, or bombing Iraq in 1998. Why wasnt Martin Sheen and Jenean Garalfalwhatthefuck pimping their faces all over the networks begging us to give peace a chance? Why no retarded slogans for Boy Clinton? And why does the media give these clowns free reign to spew their opinions to the public. Just you or I try to get on any of the three networks to give your opinion, cover your ears the laughter can be loud.

Its not enough that they refuse to listen to any valid points, that they cant get their facts straight, that they use horridly inaccurate and skewed sources, and that they would rather side a tyrannical dictator who has massacred thousands of people then a GASP Republican. Hollywood is showing its true colors, and showing what they really stand for. Their message is clearly the wrong one.

Will someone explain to me what it is that drives movie stars into thinking their opinions are valued at all by anyone who doesnt seem to get their daily news input from E! or Entertainment Tonight? In the history of American conflicts with other nations, some movie star has always come forward to make a total ass of themselves without fail. From Hanoi Jane to now Baghdad Sean, the Hollywood know-it-alls have not disappointed us with their knee-jerk statements or their petty fifty thousand dollar ads.

When our military forces are getting ready to open a can of whoop-ass to protect our interests and rid the world of some psychotic asshole like Saddam Hussein, it never fails to bring out the clowns from Hollywood with serious and dour looks on their faces.

Whats equally more apparent is when they open their mouths anyone with the ability to spell TV can tell that when their roles are unscripted (unlike in front of a teleprompter), they appear pathetically out of their league. Easily persuaded by emotional pleas without the use of logic or even basic common sense, time and time again they fall right into the hands of crafty propagandists, who exploit their ignorance for their own gains. Sean Penns recent trip to Iraq proves this without a shadow of a doubt. He was so easily led and used by the Iraqis that it was painful to watch. We dont even need to address the exploits of the likes of Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, that ugly cunt Barbara Striestand, and other wannabee politicos.

What you are seeing are the actions of sore losers. Their boy Gore didnt get elected, even after they all came out against Bush during the Presidental race. Surprise Surprise that Alec Baldwin, or that fat fucking retarded asshole Rob meathead Reiner didnt move to France after the election. Are you fucking kidding? Do these people ever keep their word. I for one will not be seeing any movie or providing any financial support to anything attached to these people. Fuck them, fuck them in the ass with a basball bat covered in rusty nails. PS. Go sign yet another stupid fucking internet petition that will be ignored and means virtually nothing but servers for entertainment value.

So all of this new technology sure has made our lives better, hasn’t it? We can complain about shit at the speed of light, we can organize our superficial lives with the touch of a screen, and you can use your computer without booting it up.

But in the most stunning use of technology I’ve seen in a while, we have the man who used his picture phone to effect an arrest.

With the large “anti-war” protests that took place over the weekend organized by such notable groups as Ramsey Clark’s communist backed A.N.S.W.E.R I wished that I could have been there to ask some of these protestors the hard questions that the mainstream media seems unable to do. Luckily for me and for you the folks at Brain Terminal decided to do just that. Watch this video and make your own determination about just how S.M.R.T your average anti-war protestor is. Link Here

The common trend of course is that Bush is bad, this is a war for Oil, we need to stop the 12 year long “rush to war” etc etc etc. Todays peacnik has nothing on his ancestors of the 60’s. Even while stoned out of their minds they managed to get their point across and stay on message. Today’s wanabee’s can’t even spell “UN” it seems.

In all honesty this one takes the fucking cake. If Satan is looking for helpers and henchmen, I’m sure he will be able to hook up with these two once word of their “dirty deeds” hits the cell block.

ADELANTO — Two employees of a company hired to transport corpses for the San Bernardino County Coroner’s Office were arrested Friday afternoon, accused of sexually assaulting the body of a 4-year-old Adelanto girl.Donald Luis Cooper Jr., 32, and Chaunee Marie Helm, 30, both of Hesperia and employees of All-County Transportation, were arrested on suspicion of mutilation of human remains, a felony……

On Friday night the girl’s mother, Kathleen Jones, 36, of Adelanto, said the day she learned what happened to her daughter, “was the longest day from hell.””She was a loving child, always hugging and kissing, always smiling,” the mother said. “She had the greatest little personality. She was happy all the time, always singing and dancing.” Jones said San Bernardino County sheriff’s investigators told her the man was caught on videotape sexually assaulting her child’s body in the morgue. The woman, she was told, acted as a lookout.Sheriff’s department spokeswoman Cindy Beavers said mutilation was the charge because the assault occurred after the child died, and not because there had been any other injury to the body.

WTF? It’s bad enough that these guys are kidfucking shitbags, but to top it off with fucking a corpse? About the only thing they could have done to top this off would have been to eat the body afterwards.

I’ve been taking these supplement pills for my workout regiments, kind of like creatine and energy pills that give you that extra bit of oomph. I took them about ten minutes ago, and I kind of felt like I had a bit of indigestion ever since. I was about to get up and grab another glass of water when I released a firm, crispy belch. Try and picture a gray cloud of powder escaping out of the most disgusting belch I’ve let out in years, accompanied by a terrible burning sensation in my sinuses and a flavor not at all unlike powdered ass, and you’ve got the scenario which unfolded before my eyes.

I think I see spots.