*Ahem*… not that I want to encourage anyone’s dishonesty around here, nor would I like to see them bend the rules to get free swag out of a major corporation. So I won’t encourage it.

On the other hand, I won’t stop you either.

I’m not going to say that I had anything to do with this, however I have it on good authority that a close friend of mine checked his shipping status this morning, which said that a package had made it’s way to his front door at 9AM. Curious, he went to the door and found two pieces of XBOX bounty waiting for him. Do with that information what you will.

Fed up with restaurants offering “fried pawns” and “bean eurd,” Beijing tourism officials are launching a campaign to stamp out mangled English on menus and public signs, a state newspaper reported Friday.

“There are many ‘Chinglish’ words on road signs, public notices, menus and signs describing scenic spots, which often puzzle foreigners,” the China Daily quoted Xiong Yumei, vice director of the Beijing Tourism Bureau, as saying. [Story]

I believe that this is part of a plot to remove all fun from the universe. Next thing you know they are going to expect us to order without using the chinaman voice.

*finishes with a stolen story so he can get back to his usual routine of playing stratego indoors*
Eating at a chinese restaurant with the family, the waitress (to whom English is a second language) takes everyone’s orders.
She gets to my cousin, who, in his best Chinaman voice, says “I wanna numma six”
His mother gives him a smack upside the head.
The waitress asks “You no want him have numma six?”
Couldn’t help but laugh.

This definitively beats out the “breast examiner booths” of yore in terms of legality, and effectiveness.

[ Pervert priest pinched for ‘holy massage’ ]

Pervert priest pinched for ‘holy massage’

“I just channeled Earth’s vital energy into her in accordance with Shinto ritual. So what I did was not illegal,” 34-year-old Sakamoto told grilling officers.

Midway through the teaching session, Sakamoto suddenly told the girl, “Your problem is a lack of earthly energy. I will channel the energy into you,” and started groping her, according to the victim.

Grand. Catholic priests, don’t let this give you any ideas. Not that you need any, you’ve probably cornered the market on these kind of “one hand washes another” scams. However, I am highly intrigued by the practicies of the Shinto church. For instance, must this Earth energy be transmitted via the hands, or can other extremeties, such as the tongue, be used as a conduit of enlightenment?

Matter of fact, I think I’ve just coined a new euphamism for the wang. Conduit of enlightenment, I like the sound of that. I’m not just a lover baby, I’m a teacher, a bringer of carnal knowledge. So bring on the lucious schoolgirls! When it comes to the plaid skirt wearin’ teen-types, I prefer them hot and quiet. That’s why I keep a roll of duct tape in my car.

*Ahem* Just kidding. *scans for the feds* Happy Monday.

I just gave blood for the first time for some Kings tickets. Were up in the nosebleeds which no doubt accentuates any feelings of wooziness. I think Ill go have a beer to celebrate.

Once again, two links, same theme. What the fuck is going on, did I fall asleep while God let another few million assholes onto the planet? Actually, I guess that happens all the time. That’s what the Malthion X is for. Anyway, links and such:

[ Couple Sells Baby Outside Of Wal-Mart ]

The Harts were arrested Saturday in front of the Danville Wal-Mart Supercenter. Police said they had tried to sell their baby to a prospective adoptive couple for $3,000.

All Hart asked for — and all the Cromers gave her — was “a housecoat to wear at the hospital and a barbecue chicken dinner,” Cromer said.

Did that chicken dinner come with mashed ‘taters and some bisquits? Because if not, those folks got screwed. Always try to haggle. And by the way, this is one more reason that we should demolish every fucking Wal-Mart Supercenter on the face of the Earth. I’ve been to one, and I can tell you that it’s nothing but a breeding ground for trash of all colors, and enough mullets to overwhelm a fleet of barbers.

[ Woman accused of trying to sell her child for bail ]

A 19-year-old woman being held at the Carroll County Detention Center was charged yesterday with trying to sell her 2-year-old son for $250 so she could get out of jail to await trial on a drug charge, police said.

Judith Ann Garland of Baltimore was charged after a two-month investigation that began when the Harford County woman to whom the child was offered for sale called authorities, said Maryland State Police Sgt. James DeWees.

At least she didn’t get talked down to a hundred bucks and a plate of barbecued chicken. Although if she’d been successful, she might have had time to birth herself a few more youngin’s in time to have a mighty fine Thanksgiving dinner next year at Applebees.

Meh, I figure these twisted fucks are too stupid to live, let alone be responsible for the lives of children. So I say let them sell, in fact, we should legalize the shit and set up an eBay for the sole purpose of selling your useless crack babies. We could call it bayBay. Think about it, you can use your handy Paypal debit card to purchase yourself a slightly retarded five year old with a knack for scoring blow at a fair price. That, or you can have yourself a fine Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. In fact, that should be bayBay’s slogan: Kids Or Meat. World hunger problem solved, overpopulation problem solved. Next crisis please.

See, this is why you need me kids. Results.

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Hey, Asians are good at math right? (Hooray stereotypes!) Here’s an equation that popped into my head as soon as I saw the two following stories, both posted on the same day.

Numero Uno: [ Train molestation ruling overturned in high court ]

The man was arrested and held in custody for 92 days after a 19-year-old woman accused him of making her feel his private parts on a train on the Seibu Shinjuku Line on the morning of Dec. 5, 2000. He was later convicted by the Tokyo District Court and sentenced to 14 months imprisonment.

Numero Dos: [ Gov’t official arrested for high school girl train groping ]

The official fondled the thigh of an 18-year-old high school girl who sat next to him on a Hankyu Railway Kyoto Line train on the night of last Sunday, police said. He attempted to escape after the train stopped at Takatsuki Station in Osaka Prefecture, but a station staffer subdued him and handed him over to police.

Damned Japanese. It’s so simple and it’s right in front of your face.

Teenage Girls + Trains + Drunk Guys = Molestations

So it’s pretty damned simple. You can’t get rid of drunk guys, because they fuel the economy. You can’t get rid of trains, because they take the drunks to work. So the solution is this: get rid of your luscious teenaged girls. As a pre-emptive measure, I have set up a foundation to help your country get back into good moral standing. Please ship all available hot chicks under the age of 20 to:

Save The Pecan Pie Foundation
C/O The MoFo Den
Irvine, CA
USA

Please include SASE (proper postage required) for return of merchandise once it reaches the age of 20. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.