Month: December 2002

I’ve been in line for LOTR for 3 hours now, and I can no longer feel 12 of my 21 extremities. I’ll leave which ones to your own imagination. Thankfully my girlfriend brought hot coffee and In-n-Out, so I won’t have to murder any extremely fat nerds to slice open and use for warmth. And I thought they smelled bad…on thr outside.

Akright, that was pretty fucking lame. But what do you expect, I’m drunk and frozen.

Zelda + Japanese People = What The Fuck?

I know, I apologize for the lack of posting yesterday, but I was afk all freakin’ day. (Ooh, rhymey.) I’m pretty damned exhausted right now from attempting to watch Lord Of The Rings (the special edition) one more time before we go see The Two Towers tomorrow night at my favorite theatre (website run by a jackass). It’ll be worth the wait just to hear the delicious Liv Tyler speak some more elvish. I’m a nerd, I know, but at least I can admit it. And admitting it is the first step towards recovery.

Speaking of nerdiness, is it just me, or does the whole “cosplay” bullshit seem a lot less retarded over in Japan? Probably because they have more chicks in tight schoolgirl outfits, but then again, I could need to further research the subject.

Can you beleive the brass balls on a guy who could steal 9 million in software from Microsoft, and then host his own website to show off his toys? Wait, did I say brass balls? I meant complete and utter fucking stupidity.

A director for one of Microsoft’s high-profile .NET projects was arrested yesterday on federal charges that he stole and sold more than $9 million in software from the company to buy luxury cars, jewelry and a 51-foot yacht.

Prosecutors say Feussner stole $9 million worth of software. Daniel Feussner, 32, of Sammamish is accused of wire, mail and computer fraud for ordering expensive Microsoft software by saying that he needed it for his project. Prosecutors say he sold the software and used the proceeds to finance his lavish lifestyle.

He used his personal Web site to showcase his expensive toys, photos of his home, his boat and himself.

He should’ve known better. After all, it’s not every man who has his own entry in Webster’s dictionary.

I was just informed of Ernie’s Lets Bring ‘Em Home program, aimed at helping military personnel get home for the holidays. I’m pitching in five bucks, I encourage you to help out if you can.

I’m about to enter my arbitration meeting for my unpaid overtime suit, and rather than the lawyers that I figured would show, both my boss and the CEO are here. No lawyers, just us. It already feels like meeting up with an ex that was a bad breakup, and I’m asking for my Def Leppard albums back, and the last month’s rent.

I wish they’d call us already.

Update: Not too bad. They badmouthed me, while I maintained my cool, non life-threatening composure. The arbitrator lady seemed to be leaning in my favor, and asked if they wanted to settle, to which they had no definitive response. It’s either that, or court in 6 or 7 months. So now the waiting game begins, as I begin the subpoena process. Anyone have any ideas beyond security logs and such? Do any of you even have experience going to court over unpaid wages? Are any of you literate, or just scanning these pages for Britney Spears’ recent nipple slip? Why am I even asking…

Mofos, this is complete bullshit. I’ve done much dumber things whilst intoxicated and I never got my name in the paper.

An ambulance crew found a man bloody and unconscious. Officers began securing the crime scene and knocking on doors to find out if neighbors had seen or heard anything suspicious.

“The neighbors said the victim was intoxicated and wanted to see how far he could throw a brick into the air,” Gorman said. “He threw it up in the air a couple of times trying to get it higher.

“The last time he threw it up into the air, he lost sight of it because it was dark. It hit him in the back of the head.”

The only part I didn’t like about this story is that they never reveal how far he was actually able to propel the brick into the air, nor did they discuss the approximate size and whether or not the brick was re-pressed prior to firing. But, even with those shortcomings, the part where the brick hit him in the head was pretty good.

You see, your common “lay” civilian-type person would think that this experience signals the end of this particular drunkards physics experiments, and that person is wrong. After such a brilliant introduction to the power of gravity in an enlightened state, who wouldn’t have a keen interest in his physical surroundings? Do you have any idea how many powers of the universe need to come together to make this happen?

Me neither. But it was still pretty cool when the brick hit him on the head.

I’m posting from the carwash again. Seasoned readers may remember me posting from this lil’ spot’s oddly cable-modem connected machine a few times in the past. Today’s visit was unscheduled, as my Goddamned smoothie I bought for lunch spilled all over the floor of my car. Serves me right for buying a healthy lunch in leiu of my beloved Fatburger.

Second bad bit of the afternoon, I found out my answering machine has been completely fucked for the last week, and not picking up my calls. And here I thought I’d just become unpopular.

I dunno if it’s a bad omen or not, but Im pretty sure that the guy sitting outside is Robert Englund, aka Freddy Krueger. I’ve seen him around town a few times, so it wouldn’t surprise me. So is that a good sign, or a bad sign? Maybe I should just air on the side of caution, and go back home to my precious Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Although I did have the disturbing urge to kick a guy off his sweet ass chopper and use it to jump onto the roof of a nearby Target. But then, I was a pretty violent prick before GTA, so I don’t see much of a difference other than a broadening of my imagination.

Wait, Freddy Kreuger wouldn’t drive a Dodge Dart. I guess it’s back to errands for me. Fucking Freddy ripoff, had to ruin my Goddamned excuse, didn’t you?

Yes true believers, the words is out and kiddies everywhere are salivating. At least, those who are over the age of twenty, which rules out a good 90% of you sexless feebs. But what does that matter, we’re getting another Mad Max flick!

Mel Gibson, who starred in the 1979 cult hit “Mad Max,” is returning to the franchise for a fourth time, according to the entertainment trade paper Daily Variety.

He will be paid a salary approaching $25 million to star in “Fury Road” for original “Mad Max” director George Miller, who has been crafting the script for the last three years. Once again, Mad Max will roam the lawless, post-apocalpytic Australian outback.

The project is set up at Twentieth Century Fox. Studio insiders say the $104 million project will begin shooting in Australia next May as the targeted start date.

Wow, I certainly hope that it doesn’t suck complete camel cock. After all, Beyond Thunderdome was a pale shadow of parts 1 and 2, especially Road Warrior. Although I do hear that Tina Turner is in talks to reprise her role from the third installment. Let’s take a peek in on the negotiation process, shall we?

Aww… don’t worry Tina, I’m sure they’ll be on the phone begging for you to do another Revlon ad or whatever any minute now. No no, don’t pick up the receiver to see if it’s connected, they might be trying to get through!!! Besides, you’ve always got your youth. …OK, nevermind, I guess you’ve got your looks. Well, alright I suppose you still have… aww fuck it. At least Ike’s not giving you the ol’ five-across-the-eyes anymore, right? See, everything’s gonna be alright, as long as you stay fully clothed. Please.

It’s official, the comic industry is in big fucking trouble. Bolt Boy was going to do a series of interviews with comic creators a few years ago regarding the state of the industry, but he was too Goddamn lazy to do it, and I was actually too lazy to post it for him. Go figure. But in his various chats that he had due to his job at a comic shop at the time, he found that a lot of mainstream creators thought that the industry was in great shape. Apparently mainstream comic creators are complete fuckwits, because at the time, comic shops across the nation were running to invest in fire insurance and lighter fluid, due to lagging sales. Since I’ve been out of it for the past year or so, I can only imagine that things are continually getting worse, since they did have that “Free Comic Day” (ie: please take this shit off our hands day) and more spinoff books than Oprah has weight fluxuations.

I had hopes, but it seems that the comics industry has decided to start clutching at straws, as Marvel reintroduces The Rawhide Kid as the first gay title character in a comic book.

The Rawhide Kid has been a Marvel character since the 1950s both as a main and a secondary character. However, it was not until Zimmerman approached Marvel with his idea of a homosexual Rawhide Kid that sexuality was mentioned in the discussion of the character.

In a bubble in the first edition of the series, Rawhide Kid comments about the Lone Ranger: “I think that mask and the powder blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around.”

Brian Reinert, Marvel’s public relations officer, said that Marvel has always been “interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today.” He expects the reactions to this comic to vary.

Just in case you don’t speak PR, allow me to translate. When they say that they are “interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today” they literally mean “We’ll make the Hulk a fucking ballerina that screws poodles if you’ll buy the Goddamn book! Please buy one!”

You have to understand that I have nothing against gay comic book characters. In fact, those of you with comic knowledge will be wondering why he’s considered a breakout character in the face of other homosexual superheroes such as Northstar. Or, if you actually got laid in high school, you’re probably wondering “What the fuck are you talking about, nerd?” Settle down Bruno, I’m in your boat, I’ve been playing that field since before the average BAMF reader got his first pube, so forgive my nerdly extracurricular activities. Besides, if you hide them in a closet you can tell your girlfriend that they’re the pornos you no longer need because you have her in your life. Hooray for lies and double damned lies!

Anyway, I think I was headed for a point here somewhere, but more than likely I was going to rag on the desperation of the comics industry for trying to introduce gay superheroes on a reader base consisting mainly of fat, undersexed teenagers. So there, I’ve accomplished my job. Your job for the day is to figure out a better caption than I did for the above picture. Use the comments script kids, it won’t bite.

The term “comedy gold” gets thrown around a lot these days, but every once in awhile we get something that can truly brighten a person’s day. And no, I’m not talking about naked pictures of Natalie Portman, I’m more referring to the subtle side of humor. Like a crabby aging rocker threatening to kill a woman (1.6MB mp3) on a flight to Tokyo. (Thanks to KirkAngel in the forum for the link, and blabbermouth.net for the news I’m about to swipe)

YNGWIE MALMSTEEN threatened to kill a fellow passenger on a flight to Tokyo, Japan after the woman poured a glassful of water on the guitarist.

The passenger, who had no prior contact with Yngwie, allegedly overheard Malmsteen making derogatory comments about homosexuals and decided to show her disapproval by emptying the contents of her glass on the hefty axeman.

A member of Yngwie’s touring entourage, who was traveling with Malmsteen at the time, had a tape recorder running and managed to catch Yngwie’s reaction on tape immediately after the guitarist was “assaulted” by the offended passenger.

Just in case you (like myself) had no fucking clue who this decrepit-yet-revered rock crybaby is, let me give you a glimpse into the FOCKIN FURY that is Yngwie Malmsteen!

She wants a war, we’ll give ‘er a fockin’ war!

Thank you Internet, there may be hope for you yet…