Month: December 2002

I’m sure none of you have wondered where I’ve been at. Well, don’t worry. I’m not going to do a four paragraph story about my adventures for the past month or two. Not today anyway.

Let’s just say I went from making 3D animations for the government to working at a comic book store and renting porn at the video store across the street.

If any of you have been following the Imagery forum, you’d know that there are some contests going on now. If you don’t know about them then you are a green furred willum-rat who doesn’t deserve the goebaech you’ve been fed to produce all of those reel worms.

And with that said….

It looks like our number one fav so far is Skorn. So there ya go Skorn. Are you happy Skorn? I’ve said your name like three times now. Maybe one more time? Hmm? Skorn? You like that don’t you? Yeah baby. Skorn. Feel the Skorn. Just let the good Skorns roll. Skorn skorn skorn skorn skorn skorn….

[ Yeah, that’s a shame ]

[ IHumpThings.com ] – your resource for pictures of people uh… humping inanimate objects.

This one is mainly for the forum kiddies because I do beleive that there is one famous picture of a forumgoer humping a tree, and your mission today, my friends, is to find it and post it to ihumpthings. First person to get it to me, then post it to them, gets a free custom title, to have or to bestow. Your choice.

*Grabs M16 assault rifle and flack jacket*

One more trip to the mall before my Christmas shopping is done. Wish me luck. If I don’t make it back, tell Natalie that I love her.

I know, with the holiday season upon us it seems that I haven’t been very attentive to you, my thousands upon thousands of Internet lovers. Tis a shame, but between work and fighting whordes of angry mothers at the mall, I’ve had no time to even surf for pr0n. I know, it’s alright. Sacrifices must be made.

However, last night after wearing out the lil’ woman I realized that her car needed to be moved (goddamn homeowners association and their towing nazis). So I, the chivalrous one (or the only person who was awake) decided to take a cold, barefoot 2am drive from one parking spot to the next. When I arrived at my destination, I realized that in my sleep deprived haze I had foolishly forgotten my own keys. After trying unsuccessfully to wake up my sleeping girlfriend, (including throwing rocks at my own windows for ten minutes) I had to actually drive across the Goddamn street to In-n-Out to find a payphone. I tried her cell phone about 8 times to no avail, so I started calling my phone. On the third ring, she finally picked up. Joy washed over my face immediately. And just as immediately, she hung it up. …fuck. I called again, it was immediately hung up. Five more times I was hung up on, until she finally decided to answer.

“H-Hello?” she answered, obviously frightened.

“Why the FUCK have you been hanging up every goddamn time I’ve called?”

“I..I thought you were a prank caller!” Great. Not only am I freezing my balls off, but now my girlfriend has decided to go retarded. It took a total of thirty frozen minutes to get inside, but it did teach me a valuable lesson. Don’t neglect your readers, or you may find yourself half naked and shoeless outside In N Out at 2am wishing for death. Or, the death of someone special to you.

Merry Christmas.

Holy shit, this is fun. After 5 hours of holiday shopping at the local mall, I can use all the violent outlets of aggression that I can get my mitts on.

Just in case some of you give a shit about gaming news, the amazingly amazing bonus disc that comes with the Japanese version of the new Gamecube Zelda has been officially confirmed by Nintendo to be included in the March 24th stateside release, provided you pre-order the game. This, I guess, is the official official announcement, rather than the just plain official announcement that took place last week, and the unofficial announcement the week before that. We won’t even get into the official rumor dates, because honestly, it’s just backstage politics. What that means, I have no idea. But it sounds good, so we’ll leave it at that.

Now on to my thoughts on the latest installment of Lord Of The Rings, just because I know you’ll sit here and read it. *Ahem* I do apologize to the hardcore nerds out there who reminded me that it was Shelob, not Ungoliant, who should’ve been at the end of the film. You proud nitpickers should be proud of yourselves. Your selfless act of forgoing any kind of sexual contact with females in exchange for your useless database of knowledge is a constant reminder to us all that excellence can and must be achieved. That said, let’s get into the nitty gritty.

First off, I think that the flick could’ve been better, and I don’t remember thinking that after seeing Fellowship for the first time. There were differences in character development, and added/removed scenes that I found to be baffling. First of all, I always saw Theoden as more of a kick-ass-now-take-names-later kind of king, at least after Wormtongue was outta the picture. Now he’s kind of wishy-washy, and that frankly makes me sad in the pants. Secondly, Bolt Boy brought up the fact that Faramir was certainly not so power hungry in the book. He didn’t have the same kind of weakness towards the ring that Boromir had, and that was what made him so cool later on in Return Of The King.

Next up, the additions. Am I wrong, or was the whole battle where Aragorn fell off the cliff not even in the Goddamn book? That’s valuable minutes that could be spent showing something that was actually in the book, Jackson. Not to mention the Arwen stuff, which no doubt everyone thinks could be toned down at least a bit. I’m not objecting to her role in the film, I think it adds to the quality of the movie. But for God’s sake, it was boring. Boring boring boring. Get on the boat, don’t get on the boat. What the fuck ever. Personally, if I were Aragorn I’d say screw the chick who can’t make up her mind, I’ve got a girl who could kick Rambo’s ass ready to mouthify my wang without so much as a cup of coffee. Besides, she’s probably a bobcat in the sack. And there’s no possibility that she’ll be bitching and moaning about how she wasted eternity to watch your ass get fatter, and no need to deal with crabby parents with bushy eyebrows, because they’re dead! *Sigh*, although Liv would be hard to get over, I think the money that comes from knocking up the neice of Rohan’s king would help me get over it, especially once I’m a king and can give any passing concubine the “royal treatment”.

By the way, from the trailer it really looked like Legolas was sliding down the stairs on the soles of his feet, not fucking “Elf Snowboarding”. Fucking misleading advertisements.

Aside from the aforementioned drawbacks, and the extremely choppy beginning, I still think that it was a great film. The problem with liking a film such as this is that you have way too much room to nitpick. That’s why I still assert that I loved the movie. The cgi was great (except the hobbits on the shoulders of the Ents) especially Gollum. I was fucking flabbergasted at how well they portrayed Gollum, especially the duality of the character. Unfortunately the creepy arguments between himself and uh.. himself came off more slapstickish than frightening, as evidenced by the roaring laughter by the crowd. But still, he is a pinnacle in the realm of cg-created actors. The acting was pretty damned good too, and the battle scene nearly had me peeing in my seat. Well, that, and the twelve cokes I had standing in line all day.

To recap: Gimli as mere comedic relief – bad. Gollum, Gollum, Gollum – good. I guess since everyone and their mother seemed to adore the film, I figured I should highlight a few of the imperfections that made it seem a little less grand to me than the first one. I’m sure the special edition DVD will help out with this, but in the meantime I think I’ll still enjoy seeing it in the theatre another dozen times.

First impressions: great, although very choppy in the beginning. However, I can’t think of any way to rectify this without having the movie be about 5 hours. Although some things could have been thrown out to remedy this a bit, it was a good flick. But Goddamn it, wasn’t Ungoliant at the end of the book? They kinda cut the sucker off a bit short, which I hope leaves enough room for everything in Return Of The King. But I know it won’t, so I may as well prepare myself for disappointment now. Although I should be thankful that we’ve got such great films to accompany the books. At least Peter Jackson is living up to most people’s expectations, rather than shitting on a beloved franchise. Speaking of which, I think I’ll watch Star Wars: Episode II tomorrow to remind myself of how good we’ve got it.