I hope you had a pleasant stay in the wonderful year of the two thousand and two. Because next year is just going to be more of the same, with the same people ruining our lives. Not that I’m bitter about John Ashcroft tracking me down and branding my ass with a UPC code, just in case I might decide to maybe someday imply with a knowing wink to a co-worker of mine that, yes, his mother probably smells funny.
But enough of that. We’ve got so much to look forward to! I just can’t wait until I get laid off. Then that will free up plenty of time for me to join the Army, since I know without a doubt that business will be booming.
At least I had three good CD’s that came out this year to listen to (Trail of Dead, QOTSA, Sleater-Kinney). Too bad the RIAA will erase my hard drive because they have it on good authority that I might have probably kinda downloaded them off, what’s that thing called? Napster? No, out of business; the RIAA already erased their hard drives. Luckily, with Total Information Awareness, they’ll be able to check my credit card account and see that yes, I did buy those CD’s. Then they can just throw me in jail for something else I did. I’m sure that I already got a red flag on my dossier from not being married, yet ordering a economy sized box of condoms. It says “sexual deviant” right under “doesn’t pay his parking tickets.”
Remember kids, even you can be a cynic. It’s not even hard anymore.
This Post Burns One’s Self The Brains
by Sharkey on @ 2:44 am
No, that’s not a chunk of Engrish, and it’s certainly not a AYBABTU quote. It’s actually a piece of text from a remarkable Portugese-English phrasebook entitled “English As She is Spoke”. I’m quite sure that I’ll be temporarily replacing Orion as King Of Old News with this one, but those of you in the dark regarding this delightfully retarded piece of literary history will thank me. Especially once you check out excerpts from the book. If I haven’t convinced you, here’s a bit from Yahoo about the delicious nature of this book.
In 1855, Jose da Fonseca and Pedro Carolino sat down to write an English phrasebook for Portuguese students. There was just one problem: they didn’t know English. Even worse, they didn’t own an English-to-Portuguese dictionary. What they did have, though, was a Portuguese-to-French dictionary and a French-to-English dictionary. Perhaps the worst foreign phrasebook ever written, the resulting linguistic train wreck was first published in 1855 and became a classic of unintentional humor. Armed with Fonseca and Carolino’s guide, a Portuguese traveler could complain about his writing implements (“This pen are good for notting”), insult a barber (“What news tell me? all hairs dresser are newsmonger”), complain about the orchestra (“It is a noise which to cleave the head”), go hunting (“Let aim it! let make fire him!”), and consult a handy selection of truly mystifying Idiotisms and Proverbs (“Nothing some money nothing of Swiss.”) Mark Twain, prefacing an American edition, marveled of its “miraculous stupidities” that “Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.”
First person to find me a cheap, available copy of the book gets uh… I dunno, a free custom title/pie forum access or a plug or something. Or I might even publicly berate your stupidity right here, absolutely free. And as a bonus, we’ll send you an 8×10 of your ascii-based verbal flogging, suitable for framing. Won’t Mom be proud?
Neocron
by Orion on December 30, 2002 @ 2:58 am
This is a blatant fucking plug. However, since the game has about no marketting in the US right now, I figure word-of-mouth is the way to go.
What’s that I’m talking about? Why it’s Neocron of course! It’s the game that we’ve been waiting for. It’s a FPS game that is also a MMORPG. We thought that AO would be that, but it wasn’t. This one is what you are after. If it will help you understand the game’s premise, it’s pretty much like playing Deus Ex with other players in an ongoing world.
Another really cool thing is that if you hit the official site, you can download a free offline demo of the game. That’s right, you can take it out for a test drive before you buy! So far I’ve had a 100% success rate with people that have played the demo and then bought the game. Actually my success rate is over 100% if you count the fact that my roomates coerced me into giving up my original account with Orion Engineer to be the mule account so we’d have a full-time construction mule. Full-time implanter and researcher on that account now, too.
VEHICLES!! That’s right, you can have hover bikes, troop carriers, buggies, and tanks. Right now my crew has been mass-producing the vehicle with space for a driver, a gunner, and a passenger. Think about the buggy that you drove all over HALO and that is about what it is. It goes pretty fast over the outdoor terrain, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun.
Well, as usual, if you are interested then email me for details on where we play and our names and whatnot. I’ll even make it a point to look at my email once a day for the next few days. Gosh I’m nice! Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The game is almost entirely PVP. This means that if some fuckwad comes in and ninjas your kill, you can light him on fire or blow his ass into next week.
Experiments In Evil
by Sharkey on @ 1:46 am
I have concocted a new alcoholic beverage, which I must now share with you. However, I must warn you that this new drink, while tasty and incredibly potent, is also very dangerous. In fact, I am convinced that this drink’s sole purpose is to get the drinker quickly intoxicated, and then into the bathroom to make an offering to the porcelein god. I made this drink as a tasty treat for the lil’ woman and I, and while we both found it quite the culinary delight, about one hour later our stomachs were not quite the pinnacle of fortification. Let me run down the ingredients, and I will share my theories on why such a disturbing gastrointestinal response occurred. 
Drink Recipe: “Kill ‘Em With Kindness” (I take great pride in the cleverness of that name)
Ingredients:
2 shots Vodka
4-5 shots Irish Creme, I recommend a caramel flavor in leiu of Baileys
3 shots Maple Syrup
5-6 shots MilkThis is a spinoff of the delicious White Russian. I had a friend who liked popping a half shot of Hershey’s syrup into one to make it into a more dessert type drink, and I felt like feeding one to the girlfriend as a sort of frou-frou delicacy. When faced with a critical lack of ingredients, namely the Hershey’s syrup, I improvised. I knew that caramel and maple syrup ran pretty close together on the taste scale, so I threw a shot or two into the mix. What do you know, all of the sudden the drink took on an entirely different flavor. Even I was impressed enough to partake in a couple of these delicious drinks. However, the vomit reflex an hour later was no doubt attributed to the massive amounts of maple syrup now floating in my system. These ingredients, while tasty, are a volatile mixture. Use only on those who you would enjoy watching puke their dinner into the toilet. Happy trails.
I know. It sounds gross, but trust me, it tasted great. Basically you put in the two shots of vodka into a good sized glass with two ice cubes. Then you fill the glass to halfway with the creme liquer. Then add the few shots of maple syrup, stir vigorously so the syrup doesnt coat the bottom, then fill it almost to the top with milk. Then taste it. If it seems to have not enough vodka, add that. Not enough sweetness, add liquer and syrup. Serve, and enjoy as your friends get plastered very quickly, and sent to the toilet with the same swiftness.
Girl Dooms Humanity, Humanity Indifferent
by Sharkey on December 29, 2002 @ 6:35 pm
[ Girl Sues Over Getting Detentions ]
A 15-year-old girl says she is going to sue her education authority over detentions which she claims breached her civil rights.
The family, who want compensation, will argue that the detentions were unlawful because they took place in Freya’s free time.
Mother Annie McDonald told the Daily Express the detentions had had a bad effect on her daughter’s well-being, her confidence and her health.
…just when I was feeling all holiday-giddy, and in a generally pleasant spirit, some cunt over in Europe has to bring me down. It’s really sad to get yourself so high on yule tidings, only to have it torn apart because someone’s mother is a litigation whore. Great.
Then, of course, I think about the winged monkeys that will soon be descending upon their abode, clawing at eyes and humping the sockets with malicious fervor, and I get a warm, fuzzy tingling in my nether regions. Is that bad? Good. Happy Post Christmas everybody.
Holiday Wishes
by Orion on December 28, 2002 @ 5:16 pm
Gosh I hope this is from last year. Well at least Christmas was a few days ago, so if this is new this year then at least it’s still late and I can retain my King Of Old Newstm title.
I’m sure you have someone “special” in your life that you can think of when you see this. I know I did.
Oh yeah, many thanks to Bentos for the link.
Little Test
by Sharkey on December 27, 2002 @ 2:15 pm
What with all of the SPAM and files that go through my system, I have to format a couple of times per year, minimum. This latest time, I figured since I was getting a new hard drive, I may as well let the viruses wreak havoc on my files for a couple of weeks without NAV to protect it. Now that my new HD is installed and Norton Antivirus is up and running, I ran a simple scan of the system. Here’s what the results were:
Christ almighty, not only did it take an hour to scan 40 gigs of who knows what, but it had more viruses than a tiajuana whorehouse. Looks like it’s time to put a rubber on my computer before I go surfing for pr0n.
Rumblings
by KlfJoat on @ 9:15 am
Word, y’all. I ain’t dead. I know, it hurts you to find that out. But hey, at least I know how to close my blockquote tag, and that’s why they keep me around here.
On to happier things, ain’t it a bitch when you’re just minding your own business and get served with lawsuit papers? Yes, I’ve joined the ranks of executives, publicists, and everyone living in the state of California: I’ve been sued. In reality, it’s one of those things where you get into a 4-car accident, and you’ve got a year to sue. Now the fact that the person suing wasn’t hurt much on the scene and is in fact– how do I put this delicately– an African-American female of limited means, whereas I’m a guy driving an expensive car with a 1mil insurance rider; that has nothing at all to do with the fact that I’m being sued.
And onto another subject,
*whiney voice*
But Orion, my import with its computer-changed timing, cans of nitro, and ripped out seats can beat your Mustang!
Oh wait, if I had a real car to begin with, I wouldn’t need to do that shit.
What Do I Do? Oh, I Own This Podunk Town Up North…
by Sharkey on December 26, 2002 @ 8:21 pm
Apparently there’s a little shithole just up North of me that is quite interested in selling itself… on eBay, no less. Pretty Goddamn amazing when you consider that the seller only has experience eBaying fine tea sets and antique lamps. Perhaps they’re just selling the town piece by piece, before the big sale.
If you ask me, and you know you were going to, this might actually be a profitable venture. Think of the possibilities of owning an entire town. For one thing, the ability to forgo any zoning permissions and fire permits would be an amazing opportunity for any Hollywood studio. Imagine if they could blow the whole fucking place up for minimal costs! No cgi necessary for blowing shit up, just grab some dynamite and send our shitty little town to Valhalla! Imagine not having to pay those damned Korean animators to napalm a poorly rendered cgi town. Just grab a few teamsters and some kegs of napalm and you can turn this peaceful little rustic town into Arnold Schwarzenegger’s next pile of post-battle rubble! They’ve apparently just built a new bridge. Let’s blow the motherfucker to pieces, shall we? I know Bay and Bruckheimer would be down for this. Blowing up unneccessary shit is their motto only second to “put a colored lens on fucking everything”.
Let’s pool some cash together. I say we all invest, and put this town to good use. If the studios don’t want it, we can always use the place to train the simian whordes, or i dunno, raise future Playboy bunnies. If about a million and a half of us donate 1 dollar, we can all get in on a piece of the action. Imagine if the town made 40 million from letting different studios, or just pyromaniacs, burn parts of the place to cinders? We’d all make like, 40 bucks! Plus, we’d have a barbershop to throw bitchin’ keggers! So pledge your money today, it’ll go to good use:
Disclaimer: If the necessary funds are not acquired, all money appropriated to the BAMFs Buy And Blow Up Bridgeville Fund will be immediately reappropriated to the Get Sharkey Drunker Than Shit Fund, and all rights of ownership to said funds will be forfeit. God bless.
Merry Kwanzaa
by Sharkey on @ 8:07 am
I decided to stop by Carl’s Jr. on my way home this morning for a post-Christmas-crash breakfast. After giving my order, the drive-thru attendant replied in Spanglish: “Thankyew fahhr choosing Carljunior on dees lovely lovely day.”
Being that it’s the post Christmas season, do I have the heart to bring up the fact that it’s pitch fucking black out and cloudy to the woman, or just assume that her only learned English phrases are the one above, the names of each menu item, and the words “No Egg”? I opted for the latter, except for one slight miscalculation in assuming that she might understand the no egg bit. Fuckers.