For the first time ever, I’m going to split a post up. If you care enough to read my ten ideas for how “Lost” won’t suck, click on the “more” button and read on. If not, sit around and wait, I might put up some pie soon. And now, on with it…
I didn’t catch on to the whole “Lost” craze until the first season had been out on DVD. The only episode I had subjected myself to was subtitled on the TV sets that suspended over the stairmasters at my local gym. Then once I moved into my current place, I was handed the first season and told that if I knew what was good and decent, I would watch it with the urgency of a small bladdered midget who had been force-fed an entire gallon of Arrowhead natural spring water. So… as I moved my shit into this place a couple of years ago, I watched as Locke clocked Sayid in the head, Boone got crushed by a plane (and fucked his hot adopted sister!) and we were introduced to the mysterious hatch. The whole process from episode 1 to the season 1 finale took me about 8 hours, because… it was fucking good. Like my first older woman in the sack kinda good. Surprising, demanding, and respectable in a whorish kind of way.Then we had season 2, which introduced us to Mr. Eko. It also introduced us to Anna Lucia (and her death), the hatch map, and a whole episode devoted to Claire saying “MOY BAYBEEEE!” Just like life, Season 2 was all about give and take. Yin and Yang. Good and Evil. Adam Corolla and the ever-fucking-yapping Bonaduce.
Now we’re on to Season 3, and there have been numerous setbacks already. They introduce precognative visions, an “alcatraz” mini season, and the death of the only prime-time negro that I get all weak-kneed over. They even introduced a hot chick who prances around in tiny shorts and bikini tops, and found a way to make me hate her. How could this happen? Did George Lucas start sitting in on brainstorming sessions? Is it the Ricky-Gervais predicted curse of the third season? Whatever the case, “Lost” is losing a lot of viewers and it needs to get back on track. Here are some of my ideas on how they could steer the show back on track, without any spoilers about upcoming episodes for you squeamish bitches:
- Kill Charlie.
I’m pretty sure that they’re going to do this already, based on the whole “visions of doom” storyline. That all-knowing English broad told Desmond that there was no way to save any of the people that he foresaw dying, and you can always trust the word of an old lady jeweler. Besides, this sets up the whole “choice” theme that was so blatently raped in the last Matrix flick. Charlie is told that he’ll die if he tries to do something, then is ironically placed in a situation where he chooses to die a hero and redeem himself. It’s trite, it’s overdone, and it’s highly predictable. But I don’t give a shit, I just want to see the fucking hobbit gone because he’s dead weight at this point. The only thing that would make me happier is if Claire threw herself off a cliff to spare herself the agony of being without the diminutive junkie. I mean Jesus, how do you make an Australian accent un-hot? - Stop teasing us.
For those of you who haven’t seen this weeks episode, skip down to number 3 if you care about spoilers.OK, so at the end of this last episode, we see that Locke’s prick of a father (who is probably the original Sawyer) is now on the island, conjured up by Ben’s “magic box.” Kind of silly, but still warrants a lot of explanation. Do you know when we’re going to see the next chapter in this very pertinent story? FIVE FUCKING WEEKS. That’s right, according to the episode list, we’re not even going to see Locke interact with the captive Cooper for another five episodes. Why? So we can have more “filler” episodes about VW buses, and flashbacks of characters who get killed five minutes later? GIVE ME SOME IMMEDIATE FUCKING SATISFACTION. I will not suffer another pile of ass like the season 2 premiere, which stretched for three redundant episodes by telling the same story three times through three character’s eyes! I think we got the picture the first time, you assholes. We don’t need an entire episode to see how Kate almost got shot by a stray bullet in the same story last week. If you start something, finish it or leave it with some fucking conclusion. Christ, there’s a cliffhanger at every commercial break, I don’t need to wait five weeks to see what happens in the next five minutes.
- Answer some questions.
“Lost” is all about introducing questions which seem to have no clear answer on the horizon. Here are just a mere few of the mysteries that piss everyone off.– How’d anyone survive that crash?
– Why does the island heal some people and not others?
– The smoke monster. … I guess there are 8 million questions about him, so find one and answer it. Any one. Please.
– What’s up with the whispers?
– Is the curse of the numbers just a weird series of coincidences? If so… FUCK YOU, LINDELOF AND CUSE!
– Not that I want Michael back, but what was up with Walt? The powers, the backwards speaking visions? Anyone?
– The Others don’t leave footprints because…..?
– Why do the Others want to take the kids and so-called “good people?”
– Why did the luggage have no hairbrushes? Someone must have packed one! (Note that this lack of combing instruments has not had an effect on the cast’s perfectly coiffed do’s.)
– How’d the pirate ship get that far inland?
– Christian Shepard, the horse, dead people posessing people/animals… what the fuck is going on?ÂPick one, answer it, or die in a fire.
- Paulo and Nikki suck. 86 them.
I hear tell that they’re going to have a flashback soon. Make them evil or something and kill them off. We don’t need a Mexican Sawyer and an annoying Kate. If we need annoying mixed with hot, we’ve always got Claire. - One cool hatch would be nice.
The whole “Other Hatches” theme was a cool idea. The hatch map was exciting. None of it has paid off. They blew up one, another was left behind on Alcatraz, the Arrow was gutted, the Medical station abandoned, and the question mark was useless. How about one hatch that’s more useful or interesting than the Swan? The hatches were such a cool mysterious aspect of the show, and wound up like your first sexual experience: awesome at first, but flaccid and unsatisfying overall. - Bring back Eko.
I don’t care how. Saved by the island, turned into a zombie… hell, maybe it was some other black guy that died, they all look alike, right honkeys? It was obviously a mistake, and we’ll forgive you if you bring him back, have him take his Jesus stick, and bash in some Other’s skulls. I don’t care if he wanted out of his contract, money fixes everything. He was awesome in a way that made season 1 Locke look like a pussy, so why did he have to die? If you need to cut down on the minorities, kill Paulo or… well shit… there aren’t very many minorities left. Racist bastards. All I’m saying is that if Desmond can see the future and survive that hatch implosion, Eko can come back to life. Do it. - Stop with the inconsistencies.
Desmond thought the world was coming to an end in the beginning of season 2, and went running like a scared little girl into the woods. Yet when the same shit happened at the end of the same season, he slaps himself on the forehead and goes “OH RIGHT, THE MAGICAL FAILSAFE KEY!” Why didn’t he try that in the first place and save us all some time? Then they have Kate & Sawyer work on some mysterious construction project over at Alkatraz, yet we never hear about it again. Sawyer steals all of the guns and is a general dick to all, and then everyone forgets about it. The Others want to kidnap baby Aaron so very badly, yet even after Ethan’s cover is blown, they don’t send in a bunch of stealth non-footprint-leaving Other ninjas to just go nab him and a pack of Huggies®. They obviously want him, they obviously have the power to take him, yet for some unknown reason… they don’t. I know the writers are just making up some of this stuff as they go along, but can we at least have a little bit of consistency to tie all of the nonsensical events together? Speaking of which… - Slow down on the craziness.
The show is one big excercise in the suspension of disbelief. The island heals broken backs and cures cancer (for some people), a giant cloud of smoke is floating around murdering people, the dead seem to walk around like ghosts, and Scottish lushes can see the fucking future. These are just a few of the 8 million completely unfathomable things that happen in the world of “Lost” without any word of explanation. If you’re not going to explain how these things can happen, can you at least not introduce new inexplicable shit in every episode? Why not just have the Harlem Globetrotters pop out of the magic box dribbling a coconut radio, and make the whole “Gilligans Island” correlation complete? - Stop making awesome characters into sissies.
Look, I know that they’re not “good” people and they are “afraid/angry/incontinent/whatever,” but can you at least stop effeminizing them? Locke went from wise old boar-huntin’ badass to crying little hatch-bitch throughout all of season 2. Sawyer went from uncaring asshole and an incredibly adept conman, to a whining emo case. Sayid and Jack cry more than most of my ex girlfriends, and even Eko had his verklept moments. How about just letting a badass character be badass? How is it possible that Kate has shed less tears than most of the male characters, when she’s had at least 3 menstrual cycles since they arrived? - Convince us that you at least have the answers.
The writers insist that everything on the show is based on some sort of explainable (albiet very unlikely) scientific basis. I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that this is probably a sack of horseshit. I’m sure it’ll turn out to be very X-Files-ish, and that’s fine. But for God’s sake, they had better not be planning to just brush off a lot of this crazy stuff as mere coincidence. Claire and Jack are brother and sister. Sayid learned torture techniques from Kelvin. Locke worked for Hurley (in a way). The curse of the numbers. These are all very very fucked up things, and they cannot just be explained away as simple happenstance. If the island winds up being Atlantis or something, put some fucking effort into the explanation of all the little things. Part of the reason that I’m losing interest in the show is that I feel like all of these mysteries and intricacies are going to be resolved with some big blanket answer that leaves us all scratching our heads. Please, have a decent explanation for everything, and at least show us that you have one cooked up. It’ll help to appease those of us who are a little jaded.
So that’s it. I still like the show, but I can feel that jump-the-shark moment coming for me, and I don’t want it to happen. Many of you have already given up, and I don’t blame you. But for those of us who still have hope, let’s pray for a miracle.
Eko wanted off the show, that’s why they killed him.
That one was more meant as a joke, but still… offer the motherfucker enough money. I miss him.
My thinking is that Jack’s dad and the horse both came out of the “box” that produced Locke’s dad. Not that it’s a very satisfying answer since we have no idea what this box is or how it works, but it fits in with the ludicrousness of the rest of the show at least.
i agree with you on every point sharkey. as many times as ive sworn off the show, every wed i’m right back there waiting for it.
cheers,
jj
I dunno about Christian coming out of the box. First of all, the timeline doesn’t fit so well, because Jack started seeing him within a few days of the crash. Ben would have just found out who was in that camp by that point. Plus, Christian was more of an apparition rather than something actually manifested. He was there one second, gone the next. He was clearly some sort of hallucination just like Yemi was, and Dave. Plus, if Ben and the others had the ability to do all of this, why not just conjure up a hallucination of Claire’s mom to lead her dumb ass over to the medical hatch.
Personally, I think there’s someone else other than the “Others” are pulling these strings. Someone else is causing the whispers, someone else is causing the hallucinations. We’ll see though.
I love this show; bought both seasons, and will buy season 3.
I agree with you wholeheartedly though; in fact, I heard that the guy who worked on this worked on Alias, and that that show had a lot of twists/etc. When it ended, it just did – and a lot of twists were ignored or given lame explanation (I barely watched it, so just relaying from a fansite of it).
I read a EW article, and they indicated their dream is to go 5 seasons and end with a movie, with the biggest secrets to be revealed in the movie. Some months later, EW had ANOTHER article where they sounded like they got a lot of fanmail yelling about that – because now they were hinting at 3 seasons.
Personally, I’m starting to think the whole thing is some sort of VR project (like Matrix or Harsh Realm). The odd tones that play when the title appears sounds like an old dial up, it explains (cheesily) how most of the odd stuff happens, how everyone gets one shot at redemption for their past sins (mentioned by Locke in season 1 when Charlie gets his guitar, and since most main characters by now have been presented with an opportunity to set things right).
Stephen King was asked by the creators what he thought (out of curiousity) and his theory was all this is happening in Jacks mind; there was a plane crash, and he’s in a coma, and all this springs from his imagination. He said he based that on the fact that the very beginning of the pilot is a close up on his eye.
Another thing I saw was a little thing thrown out, which was – when they explored the tailies, AnnaMariaLucindaBiyatch knew the one guy was an Other ’cause he was dry. So was Jack when it started. He was dry and unconcious.
Here’s the thing about Lost that really frosts my shorts….they just can’t let something be what it is. For example….Let’s say Charlie realizes he needs to take a dump. He goes to a remote part of the beach and digs a hole, before he squats in it he looks (by chance) into the hole and finds something relating to Dharma and all the bullshit surrounding it. Plot twists are good in small doses, but plot twists for the sake of having them make for a very tiring story.
But enough of the rant….this is my million dollar question, more or less. Why in god’s greenest Hell does anyone look at Locke as a leader?! I mean, that character is the most idiotic, and bumbling SOB since Gilligan, and the equally stupid schmucks on the island look to his dumb ass as their leader. What the fuck!? If it were me, and I were on that rock, I would make Sayid king and push Locke off a cliff. Sayid is the fucking man! He’s the only one that has even half a clue, and yet there’s not one person on that island that thinks he knows his ass from a hole in the ground. That dude is like the Iraqi James Fucking Bond.
I’m still watching the show to see how it ends, but I’m quickly reaching the point of where I’m tired of trying to decipher what the fuck is going on. At this point, I hope they’re all dead and in limbo, because there isn’t much else in the natural world that is going to explain 1/4 of the off-the-wall bullshit that the writers are throwing at us.
I heard next season is it, so let’s all hope they don’t drag it out for another 5 and put the show out of it’s misery.
You missed the Lost Experience, didn’t you, Sharkey?
I can’t be arsed to look up a link, but there was a huge to-do on the internet this past summer that explained the numbers. Players of an “alternate reality game” found symbols in random websites sponsored by Lost and put clips of video together to form a training tape made by the guy who founded Dharma. He explains that the numbers are the outputs from an equation that deals with the date at which the human race will extinguish itself.
He said that the numbers came out randomly so they don’t know what they mean really, but basically the numbers deal with the date at which humans become extinct due to a nuclear war or famine/plague or whatever.
Also, it hasn’t been answered how Ben knows who Jack etc. are and their whole life, but I was assuming it’s ’cause of the contact with that outside world, so the “Jack was only on the island a couple days” complaint makes sense.
Other than that, good points. Let’s hope things get better.
No I didn’t miss it. I know all about the Valenzetti Equation and everything.
My question was, why did the numbers make Hurley a walking curse? That many deaths and accidents are just a little too much to explain as coincidence.
Good point. Forgot about that. Fuck them.
The other lesson from the Lost Experience was that the whole thing was one huge advertisement with very little pay off. While Javi can write one hell of a premise, it seems as though the are other forces behind the scenes that drag out the story, twist it into incomprehensible fallacies, and in general leave you feeling completely douched. Just tell me…what the hell happened to the “arctic scientists” who detected the EMP blast at the end of season 2?
I fear that J.J. Abrams’ Lost will follow the Lost Experience and Alias, a complete tease augmented by confusing plotlines until the series gets scheduled for cancellation. Then, and only then, will they try to wrap up some of the major questions, likely in some completely hurried and unbelievable way.
All sweet points all, every week I watch and am find myself thinking, why did I watch that, This season has been pretty weak but the last episode with Locke’s dad was pretty sweet. This will most likely end up with me tuning into next weeks episode and wondering, “Why did I watch this?”
I just hope the next HATCH they find isn’t Richard HATCH! We all remember what happened the last time he was on an island…
Clearly they’re all just tripping on acid. That’s my bet, anywho…
Seems to me like Lost is just one big experiment. But it’s an experiment on all of us. I imagine the idea for Lost originating like this:
Guy 1: “Dude, I bet I can take as many plot twists and irrelevant shit as I can think of and throw it all together in a TV show. Everyone will watch it.”
Guy 2: “You’re on.”
Hmmm, are you Racist in any way?????? Mexican comment and to top it all you call all black people that look alike Honkeys”Monkeys”? im sure others had seen. people like you should be shot.
Kill Charlie: no, as much as a shocker this would be, he is still one of the most enjoyable characters the show has. And Claire is a great character and is quite an attractive Aussie if ya ask me (but you didn’t, so ignore that comment).
Stop Teasing Us: Get used to waiting for answers, it’s TV. Either that or wait for the series to finish up and watch it on DVD.
Answer some questions: They answer a lot of questions, the ones you ask are just some of the major ones that won’t be answered until the climax of the show’s overall story. To ask them to answer those is like asking for a final season. The show is serialized so deal with having to wait a while for each new episode to come out and for the series to close itself up.
Paolo and Nikki suck: you probably haven’t heard, but they are supposed to give us a reason to like or care about them in an upcoming (the next, I think) episode. Again: just wait.
Inconsistencies: there are several possible explanations as to why Desmond would do one thing one time and another the second time. Perhaps the sight of the swan crushing to tiny bits convinced him that he needed to use the failsafe key that had unknown effects. And what’s inconsistent about not showing us the reason for the others ditching the baby-napping and the construction site YET. All these questions could be choked up to: ‘just watch and see.’
Craziness: you complain about the filler episodes that develop characters and provide you with some great stories and than that there are too many crazy things going on? There are some great things going on with the mystery of the island but there are also brilliant characters. The two balance out quite nicely.
Awesome characters turn bad: it’s called three dimensional characters, get used to awesome characters crying or favorite characters showing themselves off as not being so perfect. I hated that Charlie was a druggie but that was a conflict you had to endure to make Charlie a more human character.
Answers again: they’ve said they have answers, they’ve made the roadtrip analogy, and they never once said that the whole thing would be scientifically grounded. What other indication do you need that they have an outline for the shows plot!?
I loved LOST until i caught on that the producers ultimate goal is to keep us watching the commercials and making ABC money. They will Linuxmoose is right. We won’t get any conclusions until the show is canceled, and those conclusions will be half assed because they don’t need to make the effort to keep us watching anymore. Sorry LOST, I’m moving on to Heroes and Jericho.
rulesaremyenemy, you had it and let it slip away. you are right in agreeing with Linuxmoose, you summed it up beautifully. but if you think heroes or the soon-to-be-gone jericho are going to be any different, you are crazy.
they learned their lessons with x-files. you can put out a good premise and then drag it on and on and in the end make some money off of ad revenue and dvd sales. they owe nothing to the audience, to the story, to the characters. sad.
Umm… You watched 24 45 minute episodes in 8 hours?
Can i borrow your time machine?
Yeah, the X-Files are a perfect example of what NOT to do to your audience. The series should have ended when that whole group of men (Trilateral Commission, whomever) was killed off. Story over, X-Files closed, The End. So in that regard, it sounds like Lost is going in the right direction…..short run.
Alias sucked, end of story. It was extremely predictable, the plot twists were stupid (and again frivolous/predictable, IMO), too many people came back to life….Jennifer Garner’s huge head. I could go on and on. You could stop watching it for a season, then come back the next and instantly pick the story back up. It was that poorly written.
I refuse to watch Heroes. I liked it better when it was called X-Men. And Jericho is simply a modern day Red Dawn with Lost overtones. Wait till the Commies, I mean “terrorists”, show up. That show has “Made for Money and Propaganda” written all over it. 24 is another example of that jingoistic propaganda bullshit……made for idiots that read Tom Clancy novels and think that voting makes a difference. It should have a tagline at the beginning of the show “24, brought to you by your friends at the GOP”
And, Eric, let me say this. If Lost ends up as being someone’s dream, when it’s all said and done, I’m going to beat you with the Dallas Series DVD Box-Set. If the best that this schmuck JJ Abrams can come up with is this motherfucking show is all in someone’s head after putting us through all this……hell will be paid, I can assure you that much. So that fat bastard Hurley better not wake up, one day, with a Ho-Ho in his mouth, and back in that loony bin saying, “Whoa, dude! That was one hell of a dream!”
But here’s the thing, the show is well written week after week, but your complaining about something that hasn’t even happened yet. If you’re waiting this long for some sort of answer and ONLY that answer, than you’re missing something great about the show.
And, a dream? I’m sure the creators haven’t gotten this far in their writing careers to make Hurley waking up the biggest plot twist on the show. ABC knows their ending and picked up the show. Why would ABC order a show that would end so poorly.
Ehhh, I’m highly entertained by the show, but I think people look WAY too far into it. I’ll keep watching through almost anything, I’ve decided I’m in for the ride.
My only real gripe is the russians/Desmond’s-ex ending in Season 2.
The Season 1 cliffhanger brought forth all the hatch happenings, it changed the story, added new elements. It became a big focus in the beginings of the second season. The ending to season 2 hasn’t been touched yet, and we’re what, halfway through the season? I think they’re going to try and re-use the same deal for this season’s end. Kinda shitty imo, but we’ll see.
I actually agree with Sharkey’s post. This show gets fucking frustrating at times and WE ALL KNOW THIS. Anyone who disputes the article and thinks “LOST” is amazing week after week and sooo ‘well-written’ should seriously STFU (especially that Eric guy).
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Sharkey you hit the nail on the head right there, all that is EXACTLY what was pissing me off about the show, less unexplained bullshit and some answers for the weird shit from the first season PLEASE!!!
You watch this gay-ass crap and call yourself a badass, PFFT. Network censorsed, commercial ridden excuse for product placement.
Only shows worth turning your TV on for:
1 Dexter
2 Wonder Showzen
3 The Office
4 South Park
5 Conan/DailyShow/ColbertReport
Everything else you pussies can watch with your mommies.
Wow bro you’re pretty cool. I wish I could hang out with someone as bad ass as you.
Um, Charlie is not Australian, Charlie does not have an Australian accent. He’s English, he’s from Manchester, and he has a Mancunian accent. His band are a pastiche of the UK bands, but draws quite a bit from Oasis, also 2 squabbling brothers, also from Manchester.
Fucking hilarious. I had tears in my eyes from laughing. I bookmarked this, thanks for the laughs.