BAMF

God damn it, Jessica Walter died.

We obviously know her as two of the greatest mother characters ever, but remember that she had a massive career before Arrested Development and Archer. In honor of Jessica I present to you some of my favorite hidden/forgotten gems from her illustrious career in no particular order. RIP, mother.

• Play Misty for Me – In which she plays a completely fucking insane stalker who is so infatuated with Clint Eastwood that she tries to kill him and he has to punch her out of a window and down a cliff. Truly Clint’s finest onscreen duel in what was his directorial debut.
• Doctor Strange – Specifically the 1978 made-for-TV version of the Sorceror Supreme in which Jessica again plays the villain. I can assure you that she’s literally the only reason to even waste a minute watching the trailer.
• That time she was murdered via bathtub electrocution on Murder, She Wrote
• Did any of you forget that she was Fran (the mom) on Dinosaurs? Because I totally did. I don’t have a clip for this one, it just blew my mind all over again when reading her IMDB page.

Well I have to admit… the Snyder Cut was not worse than the original Justice League. A few friends and I gathered to get absolutely hammered and enjoy mocking this potential turd, but it wound up being better than anticipated. And I had such high shit-hopes in the first scene when Superman did his death-yelp that just kept rippling throughout the world, which I thought was hilarious. While I will cop to the fact that it was an improvement on the original, it still took goddamned forever and was chock-full of unnecessary scenes, slo-mo, and most of all music. Zack Snyder apparently has awful taste in music.

I’ve met people who disagree with me that the Hans Zimmer Wonder Woman Theme is repetitive and stupid, but I almost started to miss it after the 10th repeat of “UAAAAAHHH HOHOHOHOOOOOOOO AOHOHOOOOOOO” every time Wonder Woman showed up onscreen. Thankfully some other brave soul rewatched this thing and edited all of these music cues into one video.

Don’t even get me started on those Norse broads serenading Aquaman for what seemed like an eternity.

Also, Darkseid has boom-tube technology and interstellar-capable spaceships, but he doesn’t have someone keeping an Excel spreadsheet of all the planets that have kicked his fucking ass?

If you aren’t watching Dana Gould’s new Youtube series Hanging with Doctor Z then something is fucking wrong with you, or you just didn’t know about it. Gould has been doing his wonderfully absurdist Doctor Zaius bit for years and now he finally has his own weekly show. I highly recommend that you stop reading this bullshit and go watch some episodes. I leave you with the Tim Meadows episode because Tim Meadows is fucking awesome.

Even though it had abysmal ratings and was cancelled years ago, I still hold out hope that Son of Zorn will get renewed so that I can see Tim Meadows as Craig again. But I can’t have nice things, so it’ll never happen.

While you are watching videos, you might enjoy this idiot who attempted to get away with attending his Zoom court hearing from the same house as his victim. You can go ahead and skip to 7:40 to see when the prosecuting attorney notices and then skip to 13:30 to see the comeuppance. The judge sums it up beautifully with “You’ve hit bottom, and you’re continuing to dig.”

Rest in peace Screech. Dead at 44 from Stage 4 lung cancer.

I hadn’t heard that he admitted to using a body double for his sex tape. Fred Durst should have done that.

Early last year I replaced all euphemisms for taking a dump with “release the Snyder cut”, which made potty-sessions easier by imagining that those occasional prickly turds are just the new Steppenwolf outfit slouching towards my toilet to be born, painfully and repeatedly. Seems fitting to me now that it has been announced that the final product will be a singular 4-hour ordeal because, similar to a very lengthy shit, I am sure that afterwards my ass will hurt and I’ll be emotionally scarred permanently.

This “So-and-So Cut” phenomenon has gotten out of hand. It seemed funny enough at the start; back then it was just a bunch of whiny DCU fanboys (the saddest of the mainstream fandoms) lamenting that some artistically brilliant version of Justice League was withheld from the world, rather than just admitting that Warner Bros would have meddled with any version of the movie until it was a bland, boring mess (see nearly every DCU movie besides Shazam). Now that the internet used its dark powers to actually make the Snyder cut happen, we are being constantly threatened with fresh rereleases of turds that we’d already flushed, like Suicide Squad, which I can’t even critique because after seeing 15 minutes of the movie I drank myself into a fucking coma.

Fanboys are now reaching really far back in search of trash to recut and somehow a “Schumacher Cut” of Batman Forever is within the realm of possibilities. As someone who had to suffer through the original Shumacher cuts in the theater, you can all piss right off. We already got most of this content as deleted content on the DVDs, so if you are really a glutton for bat-nipples and punishment then you can just suffer through that. Alone. Forever. …that said, I would suggest watching the deleted scene of Bruce Wayne and the giant man-bat, which may or not actually exist (jump to 3:20 if you are impatient like me).

That final bit of spinning camera around the two of them face-to-face is just begging to be set to the theme from Dirty Dancing. **EDIT** Forget dreaming, I made it happen above. Enjoy my brain scrapings, internet.

Wherein our hero doesn’t want to flesh out a full post for any of these things that actually made him laugh, but I still want to talk about them, so you get:

Screech Has Stage 4 Cancer.
There’s nothing funny about this; cancer is the worst. It has caused horrible things for some my favorite people and associated horrible things for myself and the remainder of my favorite people. Not. Funny.

Unless Kevin did it. If you have been watching the Saved By the Bell reboot or get nostalgic entertainment media spammed down your throat every minute of every goddamned day across all supposedly benign platforms, you have heard that the official status of Samuel Powers in the Belliverse is “living on a space station with his robot buddy Kevin.” There’s plenty to unpack with this concept, but let’s just skip to the fact that according to Moore’s law, Kevin is at minimum around 50 orders of magnitude more advanced than the last time we saw him. He would have to be sick of Screech’s shit 49 orders ago, give or take. Out in space, years to execute your plan, you aren’t affected by solar radiation that I don’t understand. I could buy it in a very special episode.

Or my other more likely theory is true: Kevin is and has always been a Hobbes-esque character that only exists in the real world as a NES R.O.B.

CAROLINE! keep my name out of your thin mouth
Brilliant artist creates beautiful music out of the garbage chute of the internet. You can find more info and another video here.

This punchline got me good.
Raph always was the angry one. From now on I’ll feel weird singing that theme song.

The end scene from Mandalorian (you know the one) set to Bonnie Tyler’s Holding out for a Hero unsurprisingly works well. I’ve always associated this song with Johnny Five, like any decent human being should, but this is a strong contender.

The Monkey Tail Beard is exactly the kind of thing that makes me glad to stay indoors. I would love to see reaction videos of people seeing this with masks on in public. It would probably be less easily-identified on first-glance, so the person who does notice is going to be goddamned baffled for a few seconds.

Plek Kek Kek
There’s about a 0.0% chance that you haven’t seen this, but it makes me happy every time I see it. I tried setting it as the ringtone for a good friend, but accidentally set it for all calls. Thanks to 2020 I haven’t had a reason to change it for a very long time.

There’s really nothing I can say about Wonder Woman 1984 that hasn’t been said better by RedLetterMedia (twice), Pitch Meetings, Critical Drinker, We Hate Movies, or [insert bad movie commentary of your choice]. I just wanted to relate that I didn’t think I could laugh any harder at a movie than at the end of the Raiders-ripoff chase scene, but it just kept getting funnier and funnier.

• Chris Pine somehow knows how to load and launch this missile AND not have it blow up any civilians.
• Wonder Woman whip rides the missile. Glorious.
• This happens:

*Chef’s Kiss* This video was the only reason I wanted to post anything. I also made it into a gif. Hell, this would be my first-ever tattoo if an animated tattoo were somehow possible.

Oh, and if you must make the stupid choice to have Wonder Woman literally Ride the Lighting (as opposed to just flying) how do you also decide to make the lightning wait around for four seconds so that she can lasso it and yank herself forward? People know how lightning works, it isn’t very patient. Why not have her lasso’s whip-crack cause the damned lightning and it can just immediately launch her forward…somehow. I guess that would look way too good in comparison to the rest of the godawful cgi in this stinker.

Aw man, the Slim Fast® guy died! I guess he was also some sort of baseball fan. RIP (formerly) big guy.

It was a tough call between featuring the above video and this particular gem which plays itself out with the appropriately morbid line: “Who says you can’t take it with you?” I love that some coked-out marketing exec in the 90’s decided it was a good idea to reappropriate a popular idiom about death for the purposes of selling canned (on-the-go) diet drinks. I couldn’t resist the top video though. Tommy is dressed like a member of the Buena Vista Social Club on a Carribean cruise, and the product somehow looks even more disgusting than original Slim-Fast®. I had forgotten about the terrible Jamaican rasta theme song until it got stuck in my head all over again. Now hopefully it is stuck in yours, because who wants to suffer in solitude?

𝅘𝅥𝅮 Give us a week, we’ll take off de weight! 𝅘𝅥𝅮

We’re still getting things settled around here in the new BAMF digs, but this post is time-sensitive, so I’m putting it up now. The excellent Youtube channel Squidjib recently started a Rifftrax/MST3K-style show about a terrible Canadian teen melodrama that was very popular on Nickelodeon when I was a wee lad. I hesitate to mention the name of the show, because all of the series’ previous videos (which were hilarious) were taken down by the rights owners of the teen show. I was very angry with myself for not having the foresight to download the episodes, since I figured they didn’t get permission from the rights owners. I’m hoping that eventually they are able to upload the previous 5 episodes somewhere.

Squidjib generously put up thier final (now lone) episode last week, which will probably get them slapped with another takedown notice any day now. Enjoy while it lasts; the Canadian accents and horrific 90’s fashion staples are abundant! Also bonus child actor Ryan Reynolds as Billy, a drummer so bad that it made his parents get divorced!

You may also know Squidjib from their Drinking with Goosebumps video series. I wasn’t particularly interested in this at first because I was too old to ever get into that book series, let alone the show. But truthfully my angst began at my first job in a bookstore as a teen, where this one portly kid would buy every new Goosebumps book on its release day and pay in fucking pennies. So I would have to wander back to the stockroom, find the latest Scholastic shipment, pull out the books, add them to the system, and re-count his sweaty pile of 500+ coins. I learned to hate R.L. Stine very quickly.

Where was I? Oh, right. While going through Canuck withdrawls I decided to give Drinking with Goosebumps a shot and was very pleasantly surprised at how funny these guys are. Also, I wholeheartedly agree with Jason’s review of the Final Fantasy 7 Remake. Give them a shot. Or don’t, I’m not your dad.

Sorry for the brief downtime everyone. The site just needed to be unplugged & plugged back in. I also blew on it a bit. Not sure if it’s a placebo or not, but I felt better.

Alright, back to it then.